Letters to Amanda
by SilverWolf7
Summary: Companion piece to For Mine Eyes Only.  Sarek writes letters to Amanda in a way to honour her death and mourn her loss quietly and privately.
1. Letter One

This one may not be updated daily. The idea sprang into my head and refused to leave. This one isn't a sequel or prequel to 'For Mine Eyes Only', it is a companion piece. Started before and continuing on after Spock's diary. It is, as the title suggests, letters Sarek writes to Amanda after her death in a way to honour her in a human way.

* * *

Letters to Amanda

Amanda,

I have spoken to the Chief Medical Officer, one Doctor McCoy, aboard the starship _Enterprise_. I am on Spock's ship. He is doing as well as can be expected of him after what has happened.

I sought out the doctor for advice on human grieving rituals and how your species honours their dead. He was crude in manner, but is under a lot of stress and I know what that can do to a human's mood. He stated that there were several ways in which humans honoured their dead.

I am relieved that an excessive amount of emotionalism is not exactly one of them, more a symptom, of the grief. I can be comfortable with the illogic of this, if it means not having to break down my shields and become overly expressive with my emotions.

Some of the methods given were writing in a journal, talking about the deceased person's life, a holo montage, donations to a charity or fund, making something in the deceased person's name, or writing a letter to the deceased. There were others, but they seemed juvenile and more suited to children, like letting go of a balloon or lighting candles. Candles are for meditation. I will leave that one to humans.

I have decided upon two of these rituals of honour. The first, as is plainly obvious, is letters. I will continue these until we reach Earth. There is not much to do until we reach your planet of birth. We have no warp engines, so have to make the trip back on impulse. I will get some of that quality time alone with Spock you always wanted me to have.

I am also going to build you a garden. Only a small plot, but a garden still the same. Remember the square at the Vulcan Embassy you complained was too plain and needed livening up? I have gained permission to put it in the centre. It seems fitting for it to be on Vulcan territory on Earth. It is one part your birth culture, one part the culture you have learned and made your own.

In return, it only seemed fitting that I mourn and honour your death in a human way. You lived as best you could a Vulcan life, it is the least I can do in your memory.

I may get Spock to help me build the garden, if he is willing.

May your soul live on, even through death. That is a human belief, yes? I heard you talking once to Spock that it was the human version of a katra. It eases me to think that you had something similar at this time.

The Katric Arc was lost, as were the majority of Vulcans. You are not alone in losing yours.

Sarek.


	2. Letter Two

Amanda,

I have been keeping myself occupied helping rebuild the ship. A lot of damage was taken in the fight that followed the destruction of Vulcan. It is only right I help mend some of the damage.

It also is keeping my mind on other things. Thinking of you is not helping my productivity levels. I watched you fall to your death. It is continuously in my thoughts. Thinking of losing my world and culture is not something I want to do surrounded by humans.

There are gaps in my mind where my people used to be, but none are felt more than your loss. I will mourn my other losses in the privacy of the Vulcan Embassy, in a Vulcan way. That can wait. It is impossible to ignore your death.

Spock is currently working solely as Science Officer. Captain Pike and Acting Captain Kirk have both agreed that anything else may be too much for him to handle. He was a hand span away from you when you fell. He is not taking it well.

No one seems to be taking this well, not even the humans. I have been told since that the other ships that went out with _Enterprise_ were destroyed, which consisted of most of the graduating class of Cadets. This crew is being run by cadets now. Most senior officers were killed in the battle. Others have been seriously injured.

A distress call has gone to Starfleet to come help with repairs and the injured.

They have also been called to take the Vulcan refugees back to Earth with them. I will stay on board. I believe Spock will need me now.

I told him I loved you. That being the reason I married you. I think he has a human lover on board somewhere. It seemed to ease some of his anger to hear me say it. He needs you now to help him through these emotions. I need you here.

I miss you.

Sarek.


	3. Letter Three

Umm, wow. I think this story will be much more intimate than 'For Mine Eyes Only'. I thought it would be relatively the same, except less emotional when I sarted it. And then I wrote this letter and realised that I was very much wrong. I love this letter so much. Sarek is worrying about so many things, some which can wait for the future, some that need to be addressed as soon as possible, and through it all, all he wants is his wife.

* * *

Amanda,

I am finding it difficult to write lately.

I have been keeping time with Spock. Unfortunately, it seems to be annoying him. He finds fault in all I do, all I say, and it is upsetting for both of us. He is filled with anger still and looking for a fight. He seems to be using me as a...verbal punching bag, it was called by Kirk.

He has not been physically violent. Not since he almost strangled Kirk after he was manipulated into losing control. He has, however, raised his voice and yelled. He is becoming increasingly unstable and it is only a matter of time before he does become physically violent.

I will try and steer him away from people for a few days. I have discussed it with some of the people he works with on the bridge, those closest to Spock. They are becoming wary, but wish to help him. There is a room for fitness on board which I think will work. I will spar with him, get him to release this anger, since he can no longer suppress it.

I never thought I would wish our son to be violent, especially towards myself, but it is the only way he will get his control back in place without seriously injuring one of his fellow crew, most of whom are human and much weaker than he is. It is almost reminiscent of my Time, the loss of control and the gaining it back afterwards. I can understand it in that context. It is sometimes hard to do, and I know you understood that in me.

What am I going to do when my Time next comes upon me? My people need me, but you are not here. I have never desired any other.

I am losing concentration for work because of these thoughts. I am not due for another 3.4 years. There is still time to worry about that. Spock's behavioural issues are coming back to the forefront though, and that worries me now.

He fits in here, Amanda. He is not teased or bullied by most people, and he has friends who do not care he is half human. Or half Vulcan. I do not want him lose that. It is the life you always wanted for him. And you are not here any longer to see it.

I wish you were, as illogical as that is. I am having trouble sleeping without you beside me. I am unable to centre myself to meditate. I keep seeing you fall in my mind and do not want to see that any longer. I would much prefer to see your smile.

I was told writing in this may help alleviate some of the grief. It is not. If anything it is making it harder to handle.

I do not think I will ever stop missing you.

Sarek.


	4. Letter Four

Like I said, definitely not as unemotional as 'For Mine Eyes Only'. Sarek really loses it here. I really mean that too.

* * *

Amanda,

You would never forgive me. I want your forgiveness even though you are no longer here to give it, but I know that it would not be possible. I believe this is one of those marriage breakers you seemed keen on warning me about whenever you were angry with me and we verbally fought.

I did as I said I would and took Spock to a secluded fitness room on board the ship. I was only going to spar with him, help him lose some of his anger. I disregarded my own emotions, not thinking they would be a problem.

Spock is young, but I have years more experience than he and I am still physically stronger. If the bridge crew hadn't been informed of my plans, Spock would likely be dead.

I was fully thinking of allowing Spock to release his own anger and didn't even consider it might trigger my own. I did not realise I was angry until I had Spock pinned to the mat. I held him down, Amanda. I screamed at him it was his fault you were dead, that he killed you by letting go of you when we got outside. I hit him hard enough to break bone. I slammed his head upon the ground.

I would have kept injuring him, probably to the point of death, if we were not being monitored. Guards came in and stunned me unconscious, before I could do too much damage.

I woke up in sick bay, chained to a bed. It took me eight minutes to remember why. It made me physically ill. I am still in the med bay. Doctor McCoy refuses to let me leave until he knows I will not harm anyone else.

I am quite content to stay in here. I cannot trust myself or my control. I cannot eat without becoming ill. I cannot rest without facing your death. I cannot meditate or find balance in myself. I have become dangerous to my own son.

You would hate me for this. I do not know Spock's opinion, but he has looked into my room every now and then without entering, so I assume he is well, but hates me too. The doctor and his nurses are trying to convince me that this is not true, but I have no reason to believe them.

I was asked if I was doing any of the honouring rituals humans do for their dead and I mentioned these letters. I was told to write one and given the tools to do so.

I am lost without you. I need you here. But you would never have me near you again for this.

You never did like anyone hurting Spock. I cannot see how you would like me after this incident.

I have no idea what to sign this. I do not know who I am any longer. I have shamed our families and my name.


	5. Letter Five

Amanda,

It seems I am going to be in the med bay for longer than originally intended. My body keeps rejecting food. There is no fault with my digestive system and Doctor McCoy is positive that the problem is an emotional one. I am at least in better control of myself now.

I spoke to Spock earlier today. He seems to understand why I attacked him like I did, giving his own attack on Kirk as a counter to my own violent actions. He seems willing to forgive me for it, but I do not think he has just yet. He is more upset over the words I shouted at him than my beating him. I remember what I said, and none of it was true, or wise to say.

I accused him of killing you, and I know he has been blaming himself. I may have done some psychological damage with my words. There is no counsellor on board, for either the humans or the Vulcans. One is sorely needed.

There have been three suicides, one a Vulcan. I do not want Spock to be added to that statistic.

I still miss you terribly. I mourn your loss deeply. I want you here with me all the time. I want you in my sickbed, curled up beside me. You have always been a comfort to me, and I want nothing more than to be able to hold you and know that I will survive and move on from this.

I refuse to give up my life. I will not become a statistic. It gets harder to remember this when I try to find you in my mind and come up with nothing. There is a huge black space of emptiness where you used to be in my mind, and nothing can fill it.

I search for you there, still. I can sense you are gone, know it intellectually, yet I still search you out. I believe part of my problem lies with the sudden severing of our bond. I cannot seem to move past that and there is no mind healer on board that can help me begin to try to do so.

I do not know if there are any mind healers left...

I wish you were here to help stop this. All I need is you.

Sarek.


	6. Letter Six

Getting closer to Earth, and closer to sincing the two stories together. Don't expect things to go smoothly for Spock and Sarek once they get to Earth. They don't have their mediator any longer, and they don't exactly know how to function together without her just yet. They'll get there eventually, though it'll take Spock a little longer than Sarek to figure that out.

* * *

Amanda,

A ship for help has arrived. They are taking people back to Earth with them, for medical treatment. I have still decided to stay on board to help. I cannot go now, not when I am only now beginning to fix the mistake I made with Spock earlier.

The _Endeavour_ will be back soon enough to help with security and repairs. That nothing has attacked the _Enterprise_ in the days we have been out here is what most humans aboard call a miracle. I think I now understand your human concept of luck.

I am eating now, but not much. I cannot stomach solids and so McCoy has devised a simple yet filling vegetable soup for me that has the nutrients needed after being starved. It has only been a week, so I conclude that humans have no concept of how long a Vulcan can go without eating.

Yet again, I was not denying myself food, or was otherwise occupied with something else and regulating my body to live without. I was unable to eat. I tried. It is rather worrying.

I am now in a room I am sharing with our son. For a moment, it looked unlikely the acting captain would let me anywhere near Spock, but Kirk allowed me after Spock talked to him. I think now that he understands, since he himself has forgiven Spock's outburst and almost crushing his windpipe.

Fights have been common, I have found, among both Vulcans and humans. Thankfully, no one has been injured to the point of death by these outbreaks. Emotions are running high for both species. There are other races on board, but they seem to be keeping quiet.

I am at a loss of how to help calm things down. I am not fully in control and doubt I will be until I manage to get some rest. I may go back to the doctor soon to gain a way to sleep without dreams.

While my eating habits are stabilising, my sleep patterns and meditation are still completely off. You know what I am like without sleep for too long, even with meditation. I tend to get, as you so kindly called it, grouchy. This time it is not work related.

I will be able to go back to helping with repairs to the ship soon. If I have another break in control, I will be sent back to Earth.

I find myself dreading getting back. Here in space, I can try to pretend you are there waiting for me in our rooms. I do not want to think on how I will react when I try to sleep in our bed and have you not be there. Nor do I welcome the thought of seeing your clothing or your favourite foods. I am functioning as well as I possibly can here, but getting back will change that worse than things have already gone.

I cannot even imagine trying to explain this to your parents. What do I say to them? Do I explain how you died? Will they already know?

I will try and busy myself with building your garden rather than staying in our rooms. I hope that Spock will help. It will give us time to talk over our loss of you. I think we both need it, but right now he is far too busy with the ship to talk.

I am not ready for such a discussion at this time.

I hear him approaching now. I have not told him about these letters. I find them extremely private.

One day once this is over and we are both in better mental health, I may share them with him, but until then I will keep these letters to myself.

I love you. I wish I had told you that in person.

Sarek.


	7. Letter Seven

Amanda,

Of all the utterly stupid things to fight over, bedding is not one I ever thought would separate me from Spock. We had to be moved to separate quarters.

Neither of us had set a time for when one of us was to sleep and Spock's room only has the one bed. I had gone to McCoy for help and he gave me a rather strong sleeping aide. I had managed to fall asleep with the aide and was resting peacefully when Spock entered the room and decided it was his time to sleep.

He woke me up. You can imagine how well I took that. While it did not become violent like last time, we did raise our voices high enough to get security called in to separate us.

Why do we keep doing this, Amanda? We are in a distressing enough time as it is, we do not need to add to it by bickering like human school children, yet we are. You would know what to do to stop this. We need you here to tell us what to do.

Right now I want to hear you raise your voice in anger at me, as you tell me exactly what I am doing wrong. I would take no offence. I need to hear it and no one else is willing to take your place. I doubt I would accept another voice if they tried.

I cannot keep doing this, but until I have gotten some proper sleep and have settled my volatile state of mind, I doubt things will calm between me and our son.

I am angry, Amanda. Spock spoke to me soon after the destruction of Vulcan, of how he was filled with so much anger that he did not know what to do with it. I understand now. I want nothing more than to hit something. I fear my control breaking and I will kill someone this time without it.

I find myself thinking things would have been better if it had been me that had fallen instead of you. At least you would be able to comfort Spock. I find I am incapable at it during this present time.

I love you.

Sarek.


	8. Letter Eight

Okay now we really are nearly back to Earth and Sarek is getting anxious. And sorry about the lateness of yesterday's letter, I was unable to stomach looking at a comp screen for too long due to a headache. It's gone now :)

Hope this somehow doesn't come off as too...out there. You'll see what I mean.

* * *

Amanda,

We are a few days away from Earth now.

I want to stay on the ship, but that will not be possible. There are a lot of repairs left to be done, most in fact, and the ship is a wreck still. It will be for quite a while. They estimate roughly 6 weeks to finish refitting her to be ready to fly properly again. It will take longer to get her space ready, depending on the speed of the repairs.

In that time, we who are still here will be confined to Earth.

Spock and I are the only two Vulcans on board now. The others left on the last ship back to Earth. I am very alone now. My people have left, what little were on board, and Spock refuses to talk to me.

I have been sleeping with the aide every night. I still get very little sleep. Once awake, I find it impossible to go back to sleep without more of the aide, and McCoy refuses to give me more than one dose a night.

I used to suffer nightmares when I slept, which would leave me awake and frightened, alone in the bed assigned to me. I think I would prefer the nightmares now. My dreams have become sexual in nature. I only have dreams like this when close to my Time, but I am not near that place in my cycle. It worried me that I may have been triggered into an early Time by the destruction of Vulcan and went back to the doctor.

That was an awkward conversation, but at least McCoy will be alerted as to the signs in Spock if he is on the ship if he begins his cycle. He is certain it has nothing to do with that though.

He believes this is my mind's way of trying to comfort me, a way for me to relieve stress. Perhaps if you were here in person it would be working, but as it is you are not. You are gone, dead, and all I have now are dreams. They are not relieving stress, they are adding to it.

I want you here in person more than ever. I would hold you close, bury myself in you and allow myself the comfort you would lend me.

I know that is not going to happen and it hurts more than I can say in simple words. I did not believe beforehand that this level of pain was possible. It is.

It is becoming habit for me to sign these letters with an 'I love you' at the end. And I do, forever.

I doubt I will stop that any time soon.

As to this promise, I love you.

Sarek.


	9. Letter Nine

Geh! I haven't been able to log on for a while. This should have gone up yesterday. Ah well, it's not my fault this site has chosen to muck up on me.

A Sarek is self-destructing chapter this one is. The next one will be up tomorrow and is already written and features a much more calm and rational Sarek. I am now a day ahead in writing, which I suppose is a good thing if I miss a day of writing :P

* * *

Amanda,

I have stopped dreaming because I have stopped sleeping.

The nightmares returned shortly after my last letter. I cannot stand them any longer so I refuse to sleep.

We have been on Earth for a week now. I am not too sure when I will start on your garden, but right now it is quite impossible. There is so much needed to be done for my people, and as I am Ambassador to Earth, everyone wants me to be there.

I have made some rather stupid mistakes and know it is because I am not thinking clearly.

I'll be amazed if this is correctly spelled, as I am having difficulty focusing on what I am writing. I apologise for any mistakes in this. Please forgive me.

Spock is at the Academy, back to training cadets. I have not talked to him since the argument over bedding I spoke about not long ago.

I am sorry. I need to stop writing. The screen is making my head spin.

Sarek.


	10. Letter Ten

Geh, I have a piece I want to write which isn't a letter or even Sarek's POV, so I will write as a separate story. Anyone interested in a story that sort of fits in here, in which McCoy and Spock have a friendly little chat about Amanda, in which one bit of difference between him and Sarek means the entire world of difference in how they live with their grief? It would fit in somewhere around this timeframe, while Spock has easy access to both of them.

* * *

Amanda,

Shortly after my last letter, I collapsed. I have spent the past three days resting quite comfortably in the medical centre at Starfleet Academy. Once Spock had been told of my collapse, there was nothing that could stop him from getting me over here.

I am well enough now and will be fit to leave in a few more days. I plan on going back to the Embassy.

In this time, I have explained to Spock about your garden I want to build, and why I was so short with him on the ship. I think he is beginning to understand that this is as hard on me as it is on him. He has been seeing everything through his own pain and is forgetting everyone else's. I think that might be a human trait. I have been too busy trying to help my people to think I am grieving alone.

He has agreed to help me build your garden, and we have come to a truce in our fights. We are going to at least try to speak to each other as father and son, instead of enemies. So far, it seems to be going well.

I am now in the process of trying to find a suitable planet for us to live and build a colony on, so we can start our lives afresh.

I have met another Spock, Amanda, who is helping me with this task. He is much older than I, and yet he is also our son. He came through with Nero. He is our son from the future. He is an Ambassador. He went into the diplomatic field of work, after he left Starfleet. He chose both sides, at different times throughout his life. Just like our Spock is doing. Any disappointment or anger I still held for him having chosen Starfleet over the Vulcan Science Academy is gone.

You would be proud of him, both versions of him.

I forgot in my last letter my promised signing off, but considering I was close to collapse, I hope you forgive me.

I love you.

Sarek.


	11. Letter Eleven

Amanda,

I now own the supplies needed to build your garden, Spock is here to help and yet I find myself resisting with the starting process.

I have made a plan for the garden. I did that while still on the _Enterprise_. Now that the time has come to start on it, I am having difficulty in doing so. I refuse to let Spock start it. This is my garden to you. It is my duty to do so. He seems to understand this.

I did not believe that a task one would usually find so simple could in reality be so hard.

I go to the courtyard I am to build it, see the area, remember you saying it needed a bit more life and colour and turn around again. My chest tightens, I have trouble breathing and my heart aches. All I can think of is that while I may build it, you will never see it. You will never smell the flowers, or enjoy their colour. You will never witness the growth of the plants as they rise from the ground and bloom. I know how much you loved watching that with the gardens at home. With the plants you, yourself grew.

I am spending more time in our rooms than I had originally thought. And everything in them reminds me of you. I spend hours lying in our bed, on your side, holding your pillow. I imagine your scent is still there and it eases me somewhat.

I am using the replicators instead of eating real foods which remind me of your cooking at home.

I need your advice. I need it desperately. What do I do? How do I start this? It seems like the most impossible task in the universe. Spock is waiting for me to start it, and he has his duties outside helping me. He will not stay for long, as he only has a week off to help. Two days of that have already been wasted.

I wish I could hear your voice again. Answering my questions, and giving me some much needed advice.

I do not know how long I can keep doing this.

I miss you more now than I did right after your death.

You still and will always have all my love.

Sarek.


	12. Letter Twelve

Amanda,

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to write. I would apologise for the contractions, but I find myself thinking shorter is better right now.

My mood has dropped. Spock has left once again to go back to the Academy. The Elders are worried about my state of health, yet the mind healers that lived are being used in a more productive manner. They are busy helping with the children and younger members of what is left of Vulcan.

Without your presence I am alone. I feel it in my head, with my senses, with my very being. You left me, Amanda. When I need you the most, you are not here.

I am being completely irrational over this. I know I am, but I can't stop it.

I want to know why you had to die. Why any of us had to die. Why Vulcan was destroyed. Why Nero couldn't see the utter stupidity of destroying Vulcan in a way to prevent the destruction of his own world, when the destruction of his world had a natural end to it.

Vulcan didn't destroy his Romulus. So why did he have to destroy our Vulcan? And take you with her?

I'm not thinking properly today. I'm sorry.

Your parents called. They are going to come here for a visit. They know of your death.

How do I tell them you died for no reason at all, because some madman decided he didn't like an older version of our son?

Is it odd that I only just remembered that my mother died with Vulcan? How could I forget something like that? She was my mother.

I don't usually use or understand a lot of your human metaphors and idioms, but I think I now understand what it means when you say grief comes in waves. I never had this reaction when my father died. I thought it fully the domain of human emotion.

I am drowning, Amanda. I have no one to help stabilise me in this tide.

Spock is more emotionally stable after these events than I am. And he also lost his student cadets and friends that were on the starships that were destroyed.

I wish you were here to make all this just go away.

I love you.

Sarek.


	13. Letter Thirteen

Amanda,

Your parents are currently in the guest bedroom sleeping. They arrived this afternoon, safely.

It has been an exhausting day, but a productive one.

We have found a planet that is well suited to Vulcans. It is mainly desert with more water than Vulcan had, certainly that is not a problem. It also has more edible vegetation. It also seems to be quite tame in comparison. The animal species are largely reptilian and most are non poisonous. There are no native sentient life forms and no one has yet claimed it.

The humans are calling it New Vulcan. We have no name for it as of yet, but it is unlikely we will call it this.

It has lifted my mood and I am relieved of this change in myself. We will yet survive in the universe, Amanda. Vulcans will not go extinct.

Your parents miss you just as much as I do, as Spock does. Your human parents are now the only family I have left except for our son. I will take good care of them, do not worry over that. In return they seem committed to feeding me proper food.

I ate my first non replicated meal tonight. Your father cooked. It tasted much like your food making me believe you got your cooking skills from him. I did not eat much of it. I spent most of the meal controlling the irrational urge to cry. I succeeded, though the feeling was persistent.

They seem to understand that this disaster has affected me greatly and they have been leaving me to my own thoughts though the company is appreciated. They have been quiet, but company all the same.

I believe they wish to talk about you, but they are not. Is this an odd human grieving custom I am unfamiliar with? I know McCoy told me some people talk with others about loved ones who have died as a way to cope. I am not one of them, but perhaps it would benefit them to do so.

I am unsure of what my reaction will be if I do decide to let them talk to me about you. My temper seems to get the better of me and I am having trouble controlling my emotions. I have not become violent again, though, which is slightly encouraging.

I have begun a light meditation in my daily routine, now my work load has been lifted slightly with the discovery of this planet. I hope I will be able to gain back full control soon. At least I am now able to meditate. This is possibly due to the relief of knowing we have a place waiting for us.

I am going to begin sending a team of builders to start with making suitable domiciles until we can arrive and build our own homes. Starfleet will be defending the planet until we can stand on our own again, which may take quite some time.

The Federation planets are coming together to help all they can. You would be proud of this union, even with those we occasionally still bicker with. Until then, we are staying in centres around Earth and are being given food, clothing and shelter.

We are being looked after. I do not know how long this will last, but it is enough for the present to know it is here.

Hopefully my mood will stay stable for the duration of the time until we arrive at our new home and beyond that. I do not want the emotions that come over me when I am like I was with my last letter to occur again. I would rather shed tears over food that is not yours than go through that for a prolonged period of time.

I love you. As do your parents.

Sarek.


	14. Letter Fourteen

Geh, this letter is...weirdly done. I named Amanda's mother Cassandra in one story that will never go live and I have stuck to it ever since. Amanda's father I named William, but that isn't in here right now...

Sarek is not a happy Vulcan right now, no thanks to her.

* * *

Amanda,

Your mother refuses to leave me alone.

Yes, Cassandra, I am quite well aware of you reading over my shoulder, thank you.

I told her I was writing these letters and she immediately wanted to see them. She states they are a good indicator to my mood. I cannot fault that logic, as they are a good indicator as to my mood. These are my private thoughts, but that does not seem to mean much to a human woman who is snooping. That is the term you used when Spock was small and got into things he was not supposed to. I am certain it is used to the same effect here.

She found this PADD when I was doing some work in my office and immediately started reading it. Seeing as how I am currently mainly around Vulcans, who do _not_ read other peoples personal things, I did not lock it. I will not be making that mistake again.

Pieces of paper would be better to write on for letters, personally, but there is a matter of room and where I would keep them. So, I will stay with this electronic and familiar type of writing. I hope you do not mind.

Yes, Cassandra, I am well aware of my collection of paper and where I keep a pen, thank you. I do occasionally need them in my line of work. Please go away...

Was she this bothersome to you as a child, Amanda?

This is beginning to come across as a three way conversation in which your mother is speaking out loud, you are dead and I am writing silently.

This is madness.

Yes, you are driving me mad. If you do not leave, I will have you forcibly removed by force, if necessary.

Excuse me, Amanda.

* * *

Amanda,

She is gone for the moment. I had guards escort her out, since she did not believe I would do so. I estimate she will be back in approximately five minutes. The guards will let her back in, do not worry about that.

I am losing my patience. These are very personal, after all.

Reading my letters is not all she has done either. I am in need of time alone, and she refuses to leave me since she found this collection of letters. She is worrying about me constantly. She keeps coming into my room to see if I am asleep or not. She keeps on giving me food I would not eat even when healthy and sound of mind. She keeps on asking me how I feel.

Your father is welcome company though, and is trying to get your mother to settle down a bit. He seems just as upset as I over the reading of personal things. He and I have been talking, trying to come to some arrangement which would make it easier on all three of us to coexist.

He thinks your mother may be sick with grief and is coping with your death by mothering me. I am not handling this as well as I thought I would. If Spock was still here, he would gladly take her affections. They are close to one another.

I think I will go lie down for a while and give you some better news tomorrow. I am getting a headache with all this distraction.

I love you.

Sarek.


	15. Letter Fifteen

And things are becoming really uncomfortable for these three. Things are going to come to a head soon before they will really stop being at each others throats.

* * *

Amanda,

I love you. And once again, I ask forgiveness.

I believe that what your father said was true, that she is mothering me to make herself feel better.

Your father left to do some work today, and left your mother here with me. I was once again working in my office in our rooms. She refused to leave me alone. She read over my shoulder, she asked endless and intrusive questions. She talked when not asking questions about the most mundane things.

I threw her out and locked the door so she couldn't get back in. I mean this in the literal sense. I did not throw her hard and she was uninjured, if shaken.

She screamed at me through the door for an hour, before calming down. I did not listen to her words, as I was trying to work, so cannot say what she said to me. Your father is not too happy with me for it, but he is at least trying to understand. He came home five minutes after she calmed down and she was sitting by the door crying.

She has promised not to annoy me any further. I told her not to as with my tendency lately to lose control of my anger she may end up hurt if she did so again. She, seeing as how she read my letters, knows this to be truth, and has been quiet since.

I have since meditated over the incident. I lost control. I am in fault for any injury that may have occurred. She knows now not to push me too hard.

I am not unfeeling. She knows this. So why did she decide to push me past my limits?

Her attempts at trying to comfort herself have led to even bigger emotional problems for all of us.

She is currently in the guest bedroom crying. Your father is in the kitchen cooking dinner for us.

Something has gone wrong, and I am unsure if it is something that can be fixed.

I am becoming confused. I wish you could help me through this.

I love you, Amanda, but I do not love your mother.

I apologise for that.

Sarek.


	16. Letter Sixteen

Amanda,

I am shaky today.

Your father seems to think I am ill, and your mother agrees with him.

I am unsure if I am or not.

I am having a bit of trouble thinking right now, so I apologise if this comes out oddly.

I am getting on better with your parents since my last letter, after I threw your mother out. She has settled down and is being nice, but not overly so. She has stopped the constant mothering. I am much more comfortable around her again.

Your father tends to keep his own company. Mainly he cooks the evening meal and stays out of the way otherwise.

We are coexisting rather peacefully at the moment.

A building team has reached the colony world to start their work. Soon we will have domiciles ready for residential living. Until then, I will stay on Earth. I think I will leave when Spock does, unless he decides to come with me.

I had a call from him. He is torn between staying in Starfleet or leaving and helping build the colony.

I am letting him choose. I will not push him into a decision. Either job right now is just as beneficial to us as a race as the other. One will make sure we have housing and food while the other will make sure we are protected as they are being built.

Even if Spock is not around as part of a ship crew that is sent to protect the new world, he will still be a part of it and may have a mission there before too long. They may send his ship because he is in the crew. I do not know. He has not yet chosen and so does not know which ship he will be stationed on, if he does go that way. If not, he will be staying with me and helping with the growing of a farm. I will keep my diplomatic duties, but I will do my part in helping the colony grow and flourish.

I think it will be something Spock enjoys. He gets that from both his parents.

I am getting a headache starting at the glare of the screen, but I have had only good news today, ill or not.

I would tell you of more of this, but it can wait until the pain goes away.

I love you.

Sarek.


	17. Letter Seventeen

Yes, I kid you not, this took me the past 2 days to write. It's not even the largest chapter on here, and it took 2 days to write. Sarek does not like overly emotional displays in his life. Or extremes of emotion for that matter. This chapter gave me hell. I hope it's even remotely alright to those of you reading, because I am still not happy with it.

* * *

Amanda,

I wish you were here. Now more than ever.

Another fight happened today, this time fully verbal and between me and your father.

It was not pleasant at all.

Your mother was shopping for food items. I think she was the one that brought the meat home, which I naturally did not eat. I think they did that on purpose.

I was busy most of the day, looking after some of the orphaned children that had been moved here out of a human children's home. A suitable adult will be found to come and look after them and find them a more suitable place to stay tomorrow. They were sent to rooms and bed early so that they will be rested. They have not had much sleep. Human children are much louder and tactile. The Vulcan children had been suffering.

When I got back to our rooms, your father was there watching the last holovid we made together. The one from your last birthday. I did not take it too well. In fact, I took it badly. Very badly.

I turned it off, ripped it out of the comm. system, and demanded to know where he had found it. I knew where it had been, obviously. It had been in the drawer with the other data discs. He had been trying to find a movie to watch and had randomly picked out that particular unit.

He tried staying calm, he did, but I pushed, seeing as how he had invaded my personal space and watched my last footage of you. I had not watched it since your death, and barely watched it before then. I tend to watch those vids when we are separated due to my work and they make me less homesick for you.

You were never meant to know that.

He screamed at me, blamed me for your death, and told me that I should have died with my planet and people. That I was nothing but a nuisance and that there was plenty of footage of you to go around and that this one disc shouldn't mean so much to me.

I yelled back that it was the only visual reminder of you which includes me I have left. I didn't want it taken away or viewed by others. It was mine, it was private, and perhaps it would have been best if I had died with the others, at least then I wouldn't have to be putting up with annoying in-laws who can't stay out of what is not theirs.

We both fell silent after that. And then he started crying. Then he hugged me. He made me cry.

I would like to plead that it was telepathic transference, but it isn't true. He had badly upset me, and I had just seen you on the screen so happy and full of life. I barely know what he was thinking or feeling at the time, as I was too busy trying to control my own reactions.

Your mother walked in to find the two of us crying on each other's shoulders. She ran out and got a healer. It is possibly the most horrifying moment of my life. I completely lost control, Amanda. My walls crumbled, and I could not get them back up again. Your father was all that was holding me up by that stage.

I couldn't get my shields back up without assistance, so the calling for a healer was actually a wise decision on your mother's part. It is only a rudimentary thing at the moment, but the help the healer gave with my shields seems to be holding.

Your parents have been told to give me some time alone for the next few days for meditation. I need it right now. I don't want my shields dropping again.

It hurts, Amanda. I thought I was going to die from the pain.

I don't want to write about this any longer. I will work on my shielding for a time, I think.

I love you.

Sarek.


	18. Letter Eighteen

Amanda,

My shields are holding for the time being. They are not as strong as before, and need to be reinforced, but they are up. I have spent a great part of the past two days in a light, easily disturbed meditation.

I would be very easy to break right now, and the thought scares me. I have been avoiding your parents, as I have the illogical fear that they will break me on purpose. I yell at them for entering my room with food I am unable to eat.

I am not being sick like before. I have no appetite at all and the thought of food makes me uncomfortable. Perhaps I am also afraid of a relapse like that I suffered through on the _Enterprise_. I have been sleeping though, an overabundance of such right now.

I am extremely tired all the time. All I want to do is sleep.

I am still suffering from nightmares. I thought, with the ability to fall into meditation again, I would be able to handle my emotions and troubles like I did before Vulcan was destroyed. It does not work that way, unfortunately. My mind refuses to accept properly.

I will continue to see the healer. I have not even heard his name yet, but he was definitely helpful. He came from another city, so he is not familiar to me. He will be invaluable to me in the strengthening and continuation of my shields. Since he has been given a room here, I suppose it is to stay. The others living here have been quietly worried about me, I know it, and this would give them an excuse to get me to accept this.

Why do I seem to be the one suffering the most problems from this disaster? Is it because I married you and therefore had a bond with a human? Is it because I am not able to handle trauma? Not that Vulcans are specifically good at dealing with trauma. That is one area humans are better equipped to handle than Vulcans.

Spock has your resilience. I wish I had it too.

Your mother is knocking on the door asking if I would like tea. I think I will go out and have some today. I am getting tired of looking at the same four walls.

I love you.

Sarek.


	19. Letter Nineteen

Don't worry, I'll still be loyally updating as daily as I can possibly make it, barring tough chapters or the site refusing to let me log on again... Sarek hasn't got as much time as I to waste with writing :P

* * *

Amanda,

Your parents have now gone home, and the silence is oddly disturbing to me.

It is getting closer to time to leave for the new colony.

Spock has decided to tell me his decision in the Starfleet shuttle bay during graduation. He does not want to be focused on that day during the human celebrations. It would also be a reminder of the students and acquaintances he had lost also during the battle.

I will wait for him then and he will tell me his decision. I do not think he has yet made up his mind, but either way, he will be ready by then and it will give him a viable excuse for not attending the ceremony.

I find myself hoping he will choose the colony with me, but, as I have said, I am leaving the decision up to him. I think he is expecting me to go back on my word when he arrives, which is why he is waiting for the last possible minute to make his decision.

I will not.

Until then, I will work on my shielding, which is quite a bit stronger now, and techniques to help me if they drop again. I am able to function now without the healer.

Things are going a bit fast right now, and I have not had much time to write. I am sorry, but this will likely continue until I have settled into life on the new world. It is still unnamed by us. This does not mean I do not want to continue on with these letters. I wish I were not so busy sometimes.

I love you.

Sarek.


	20. Letter Twenty

I have much love for this letter. It's sad and yet oddly uplifting for me. Sarek is choosing to live and begins to accept Amanda is gone and not coming back.

* * *

Amanda,

I needed to start on your garden before I leave for the colony, or else I would have failed in my own self promises to honour your death. So I started it today between diplomatic tasks for the day.

Five minutes with a pickaxe to destroy the floor to remove it for the dirt underneath was therapeutic. I shed quite a bit of anger and did nothing to hurt anyone while doing so. Your garden is going to be slightly bigger than originally intended, but no matter.

I had an expert cut the outside edges of the hole I left to form the edges of the garden. I did not want it jagged or undesirable to look at. It is a square right in the centre of the Embassy courtyard. I spent a few minutes picking out the best pieces of Vulcan sandstone to put around the edges. Just like at home, Amanda. I miss home just as much as I miss you.

I will continue on tomorrow. I need to loosen the dirt and choose out the plants I am going to put in.

Doing this has made me feel an emptiness I thought could not get worse. Without your presence in my mind, I am empty. Making this garden is...I have no words for it, but it makes it more real. Writing these letters is different. I suppose some part of me has been hoping that you would still come back from the dead, and making this garden is accepting that you are not.

Perhaps I was not ready to accept that you are gone just yet, but either way, you are and I have to start now or it will never get done and I would forever resent myself for it.

I wonder if writing these letters is helping or hindering my belief in your being gone. I write it frequently enough, so perhaps it is neither and these are simply my honesty about it.

You are dead, Amanda. You are gone, you are not coming back, and yet I will not stop writing these letters. On some days, writing these letters is what keeps me sane.

It is like having a part of you still here with me.

I also find myself hoping that, regardless of you not being here in person, somehow you can still read them. It is a human belief from what I hear that the soul lives on after death. So, perhaps you can.

I love you still. I will never stop loving you.

Sarek.


	21. Letter Twenty One

Amanda,

I needed other soil to fill in the gap. I had not thought of that, but it was easy enough to find. I now have the rock outline and the soil in place. All that is left to do is put in the plants.

I have decided to put a tree in the centre. It may not help the flowers, but it seems to be the normal thing to grow for a death on Earth. I have chosen a citrus plant. Orange. Fruit which will be available when in season for anyone to pick and eat. It seemed more important than a tree that does not bear fruit.

It is important to me that it can nurture others with food as opposed to not producing food, it is more needed. Also, I enjoy the smell.

I have quite a few different flowers to put in. I have decided, possibly to your dislike, on not having roses. Perhaps at some stage I will grow some on my land at the colony, but until then, this garden is for your life, and roses remind me of your death.

I will leave a patch of earth and grow grass on it around the tree. It will add in more colour and be more pleasant to look at. Perhaps the flowers will go in a couple of rows around the outside, so that neither gets in the other's way and both can grow safely.

I am becoming what I have heard humans call homesick for our house on Vulcan. It no longer exists, much like you. I will need to cope with that grief soon. At the moment I have been almost completely focused on you and your death.

Were you truly that more important to me than my own planet, people and culture? Or have I only got the capacity to grieve one thing at a time? I do not think I will easily get an answer to those questions, but that is all right. When the time comes, the time comes. I will be grieving for a long time, I fear.

I am getting a call from my office. I have to go now and see who needs me.

I love you.

Sarek.


	22. Letter Twenty Two

Geh, sorry about not updating yesterday. I was sick with god knows what, but possibly lack of sleep, since I stopped feeling sick this morning after I woke up and I hadn't slept the night before. This chapter is another favourite of mine. Sarek, he's so unsure of his own feelings, because he's feeling so much and not necessarily all he was expecting. And who else could he ever speak to about such emotions?

* * *

Amanda,

I have planted, watered and looked after your garden for a week. The grass has already sprouted and the sapling of the orange tree is doing as well as could be. The flowers are still not present, but that is to be expected. I planted seeds, not already flowered plants.

I wanted to watch it grow and thrive. I doubt I will be here much in the next few months, as I am soon to leave for the colony. I will miss them grow.

I dreamt of you last night. I had thought I had stopped dreaming. I have stopped having nightmares at any rate, since I started meditating again. You were at peace in my dream, smiling at me like you used to on the balcony of our home. It was a memory of two days before the disaster that took you from me. I had come home very early as there wasn't much to be done that day and you had not been expecting me.

We spent the day in bed.

I woke before we got to the bedroom. I suppose my mind is trying to stay away from sexual matters right now. It is not a good mindset to have, when one is aroused. I have been unusually focused on the dream, the memory, and less on what is going on around me today.

Several people have told me this, and still I find myself going back to it.

It was our last time together. I had been too busy the following day, you were asleep by the time I got home, and the day after Vulcan was destroyed and we were trying to save as many katra as possible. It both saddens and gladdens me. It could have been possible that the last day we had together had been spent with us fighting over something. Instead we spent it together in a very loving way.

I find myself glad of that. I would have hated our last proper day together to have been a bad one.

Even with shields up and my control in place, I woke finding myself with tears drying on my face. I am overly emotional today, though I have been doing well enough hiding it from the others. It is still strong, but not like it was beforehand.

Is it wrong that it makes me feel bad? I cannot get rid of the thought that I should be worse off than I am after such a day, such a dream, such a reminder and memory.

I still love you as much as ever. Do not ever doubt that. I am just...unsure about my own feelings. You would help me through this if you were still here.

Sarek.


	23. Letter Twenty Three

In one or two chapters, this story will be in sync with For Mine Eyes Only. I did not think it would take this many letters to get there. Wow. This has a life of its own. A little conflict added this chapter.

* * *

Amanda,

Spock chose Starfleet.

I would be quite content with his choice if it was not coerced from him by his other self.

Spock had originally chosen to come with me to the colony and help rebuild. Instead of meeting with me as soon as he arrived at the shuttle bay, he met with his older self. After a short talk, Spock decided to stay on with Starfleet.

If he had decided to stay after thinking it through I would find it acceptable, but it was not, and it feels like a direct attack against me.

I think I may need to have a talk of my own to this other Spock to find out why he would do this to me. Surely his own Sarek is dead. This other Spock is very much an old man. I cannot help but want to learn of their relationship with each other. Is it better or worse than my relationship with my own son? Why would he want to hurt me so?

It should be an interesting discussion to have.

I hope Spock can find peace with his crew. They seem to value each other dearly, even when fighting each other. He fits in with them, regardless of his hybrid status. It is a relief to see him not trying to fight for a position that he feels is given out of misdirection. I realise now he would not have fit in at the Vulcan Science Academy.

Spock has left for his ship and I am on a different ship to the colony. I am writing this as the others sleep or meditate. I will join them shortly. Spock's crew has not been given the task of patrolling the space around the new planet, at least, not as present.

I love you and regardless of his choice I love our son.

Sarek.


	24. Letter Twenty Four

I have no excuse for not updating yesterday. I got distracted by something shiny and it kept my attention until 4am...

* * *

Amanda,

I have arrived.

I find myself wishing to go back to Earth now, but I will not.

There is so much to do, so much to achieve, before we will be safe and on our own feet as you would say as a species again.

This new planet is...similar to Vulcan. It has the same heat, the same gravity, and the same colours.

I cannot help but see that everything else is different and not the same. There is more humidity. The planet itself is slightly smaller. We will need to make a new calendar.

It is hard to handle. It is very distracting to all here. So far the community here is comprised of several farming families, of which I am classed as one, a few builders to continue on with making homes and needed buildings and some healers.

There are more than a few of us, naturally, but...words fail me now. My scope of things is smaller than reality, but compared to how many are waiting to come live here, we are but a tiny percentage of the Vulcan community.

It is tiring work, but so far I am unneeded as a diplomat and have been spending my time working on the plot I have been given. It is...harder than I imagined, especially trying to do all the work on my own, but I had the skills needed which is why I offered my services in this new position.

I have not yet left my new home. There is too much to do before I go out and see what the others who came with me have been doing.

I keep on wanting to write us, but stop myself at the last minute.

It is hard trying to sleep in our bed here, without you in it. I should have had the new one made for the house, but instead had the new bed put in at the Embassy.

Spock has his own room if he ever comes here. And there is a spare room for visitors. Two free rooms at the moment, naturally. The homes are, surprisingly, bigger than I had imagined. I think the builders thought of expansion in population, in families. I am unbonded now and it is likely when I find or am assigned a new mate, that I will have other children.

It is too far ahead of me to look at right now. I still see only you as my wife. I still do not want any other. It is likely that I will be assigned a mate.

It is getting difficult to see as the sun is setting and typing by the light of a torch is hurting my eyes. We decided to wait before putting in a true power source and are using small light making devices during the nights.

Starfleet has been supplying us with food to eat until power is accessible. We are thankful for this. So do not worry, we are not starving, though the foods given are raw, unless we wish to go outside and light fires. I do not.

The house comes with a kitchen. For the future, again. It is good to know I will not need to build one when we do get power.

I need to light my candles before I cannot see them clearly. I will meditate for a few hours, before going to bed. Perhaps I will get some sleep tonight.

I love you.

Sarek.


	25. Letter Twenty Five

Amanda,

I have been too busy lately to write. I apologise.

Our alternate son arrived at the house today.

I yelled at him for a few minutes. Another loss of control on my part. I wanted to know why he interfered with our Spock's choice in what he wanted to do.

He thought I was demanding he come to the colony.

His Sarek was...different. While I may have been angry and disappointed in Spock's choice to join Starfleet instead of the Vulcan Science Academy, I never stopped talking to him. I never ignored him for 18 years of his life (though, I must say, that much time has yet to pass for us.) I can't even imagine what it must be like to have decided purposefully to basically outcast him.

We had so much trouble just having a child. Why would we go through all of that pain and worry just for me to throw it away because of one decision? It makes no logical sense.

I have decided I am glad this is an alternative to what seems to have been our original path, except of course for your death and the death of Vulcan. I am much easier to deal with, according to the other Spock.

I am getting confused. I have too much on my mind to waste with thinking on what my other self was like. The farm is not going well. It is too much work for one person and I find that I have no idea what I am doing.

I am going to ask for help soon. There is Starfleet still patrolling, and there are my farming neighbours who seem to be doing all right for themselves and their plots of land.

I am losing sleep again and I am in a constant state of frustration.

I wish you were here to help.

I love you.

Sarek.


	26. Letter Twenty Six

And things are levelling out. So close to being in sync with For Mine Eyes Only now. Spock is about to start his five year mission and Sarek is done with his stupidity.

* * *

Amanda,

My mood has improved since I have started sleeping again.

There is not much to say today. It has been a quiet day. I finished planting yesterday and will spend the next few days looking for someone to help and show me what to do around the farm. I needed to rest myself today.

I find I am missing people, so it will be good for me to get out and explore this new world, even if it is only to the nearest neighbouring farm.

I also got a message from Spock. Their shakedown cruise has finished and he is now on a short leave before heading off to start his first five year mission. He seemed excited over this.

He has decided to try and find a quick way here, but if he cannot make it in time, he will wait until he has a longer shore leave and visit then.

He will call me tomorrow to tell me his results on timing.

I find myself hoping he can make it. One of the reasons I am finding it hard to sleep is how quiet it is without someone else around.

I love you.

Sarek.


	27. Letter Twenty Seven

Thank you Nyotarules for the idea in the first place for T'Ilan, and the notes you helped me make for her. I haven't revealed all in this chapter. I hope she's likeable enough once she's more fully fleshed out to both Sarek and everyone else. Right now they only just met and Sarek is awkward because he's just been seen as doing something badly. Because I agree that a normal Vulcan female wouldn't have him as a mate and would not be suitable for him, as he'd need more out of a relationship than what a Vulcan woman could give him.

* * *

Amanda,

I have good news and slightly bad news.

The slightly bad news first. Spock could not find a reasonable way here within the time limit and decided to stay on Earth.

Good news. I met one of my neighbours. She also happens to be the farmer of her family, and has decided to teach me and help with my farm until I can hire someone to help. She has taught her own family the skills needed, by the sounds of it, or they have help. I am sadly lacking anything to trade as of this minute, which is currently the only way to gain employees or supplies.

I had never seen a female Vulcan smile until I met her. It was slight, something like the smile I gave to you, but it was there. I admit that I could not seem to understand why she was doing so. Perhaps she was that amused with my lack of farming skills that she could not fully suppress it. I could understand that, I have made a mess of things.

Her name is T'Ilan. A bit odd, but I do not think she spent much time on Vulcan. She has an accent that is only slightly familiar, though speaks our language perfectly.

She lives on her plot of land with her parents and a brother. I have yet to meet them. Two are builders and the other a healer. I have no idea who is what, as she came to meet me, not I going to see her.

I need to go into the town that is being built and see how that is going. I may also see if they need help with something while I am there for the day. I am perfectly able to do small jobs, I am sure of it.

Yet again, I was sure of my abilities as a farmer.

I am in a better mood since yesterday's rest day and the chance to see new people.

I will start exploring as soon as T'Ilan leaves tomorrow.

At least I am no longer on my own. I look forward to meeting others.

I love you.

Sarek.


	28. Letter Twenty Eight

Amanda,

Things have been growing. I did not realise confining myself to the farm as I have been, that the small community here has expanded in land. More buildings than I thought possible in such a time frame have been erected and are in the process of being installed with necessities for families when they arrive.

There is a town centre also up, which has shops and a school is in the process of being made for the children. I have forgotten to state that we now have power.

Things have been expanding around me, and I have barely noticed.

I have been focusing inward and not enough outward. My people are moving on with their lives and I am not. I now feel coming here, leaving my job to others and having this time on my own has both helped and hindered me.

I was so focused on working beforehand, that I never took any time for myself. Now I have been spending time alone, and I have still been focusing on work, just of a different sort.

I have been confused since your death, on a lot of important things, including things within myself and this is no exception. I have stated I have been confused several times in these letters.

I am always confused. I need to do what everyone else around me seems to be doing and move on. Spock has done this and yet I cannot.

_Enterprise_ is making her way here for a week or two. A supply run mostly but also to drop off more Vulcans to move into the new houses and added security. They will stay to help with some building and other jobs if they feel the need to. It will be their first mission. From what Spock tells me, the crew seem oddly pleased with this.

Yet again, a large amount of the crew on board witnessed the _Narada_ disaster. They perhaps are finding it satisfying to bring survivors to their new home, after watching the destruction of our original planet. They also were part of the crew that saved their own world from the same fate.

I am thinking too much. I will meet with Spock and see how he is doing. You will undoubtedly hear about him and his state of being in my upcoming letters.

It will be good to see him again. I miss having my family with me. With you dead and Spock exploring the galaxy, I am lonely.

At least I have managed to find someone to keep me company that is willing to put up with my mood shifts.

I love you.

Sarek.


	29. Letter Twenty Nine

Just a quick note here to say that I wil not have internet access for the next 2 days, due to going away with my mum for Mother's Day. 2 Birthday's and it being my gradmother's 92nd year, we decided since she turned 90 to have the three celebrations together. You never know when it might be the last time. I will be back by Sunday, after a family lunch and a drive.

Until then, enjoy this chapter.

* * *

Amanda,

I have been busy the past few days making sure the farm does not degrade from the mistakes I made to it beforehand. It is doing well now. I needed to replant a few crops as the old ones had died due to my lack or overcompensation of water usage. Too little, they dry out and die. Too much and they drown and die.

Spock has brought some friends along with him. I met them during the time we spent together on the Enterprise on the way back to Earth after Vulcan was destroyed. They are good people, though very young. All were too young for that mission, but the other ships had been called away and it was not meant to be anything other than a short trip to test an anomalous phenomenon.

Seeing them all here in my house, well, not all, of course, just the main bridge crew, but that is perfectly enough to be crowding me, is enough to remind me that I have had extreme losses that do not just include you.

If not living here, with my own land and a job unlike my others, was not a reminder enough. One of the boys is only 17 years old, Amanda. 17. The others are at least in mid 20's. The doctor, McCoy, is older, which is a welcome change of pace. At least one is a true adult.

Yet again, age is much different in humans. I married you when you were younger than most of the crew is now. I am becoming hypocritical.

I wonder if I should introduce them to T'Ilan, but then I worry about Spock thinking that I may be trying to replace you and so quickly. I have spent half the time I have been in his company telling him I am not going to replace you. He seems...oddly calm about me finding a new bondmate. I am just not interested in that right now.

He was possessive to a fault when it came to you. I am unsure how he will handle it when I am given my new bondmate. Still, years left to worry about that, it is illogical to be doing so now.

Spock is well, and so are his shipmates. I am well and I am enjoying the company for now. At least with a houseful of people, I am not on my own and listening to silence. This place is so quiet without you here.

Spock has been staying in the room I designated him upon arriving at the house. The others go back to the ship. Some have been helping with the land and farming. Including the captain. He grew up on a farm in Iowa. He is full of interesting skills, that boy.

The communications officer, a Lieutenant Uhura, you would have liked her. She has an interest in learning that does not seem to have an end and a natural ability at languages. She reminds me of you.

The boy who is not even considered an adult by human standards has been apologising to me endlessly. I assume he thinks he is to blame for your death. Oddly enough, he always does this in private, and never anywhere within Spock's hearing. I think he is trying not to get our son in an uncomfortable position, which is admirable, but I think he is going about it wrong. His name is Chekov.

I may introduce the others later. Right now I am being called outside, where they are gathering for a nightly talk. They always include me, before going back to the ship. It is nice to be wanted by these people.

I love you.

Sarek.


	30. Letter Thirty

Wow, I am so sorry this took so long! I got really sick after Mother's Day and I can't write much of anything when sick and I only started writing again today! On that front, I am writing up a lot :P Mainly Doctor Who, but expect hopefully daily updates of this story again.

Sarek gets tipsy and ponders a few things.

* * *

Amanda,

I seem to have gotten myself into trouble, quite by accident.

I have been learning the proper use of the farming implements of late, and I cut myself on one.

It is nothing bad. It was the back of my hand I cut. McCoy fixed it in very little time. That man seems to be able to sense an injury a mile away. Possibly in the literal sense.

I will never be using anything for farming again at night, while being less than completely sober with bad lighting. I would blame Kirk for this accident, but the blame falls entirely on my own hands, so to speak. While the humans were drinking alcohol, they decided to include the two Vulcans with them in the drunken circle. While I did take an offered chocolate, Spock didn't. Our son seemed quite surprised. I needed to relax.

This oddly reminds me...the others I have yet to talk about, from the ones closest to Spock. Sulu and Scott.

Sulu was one of the three that jumped onto the drill to stop it, trying to do so before it did any more damage to the planet. While they did succeed in stopping it, they didn't stop the Romulans from dropping their weapon into the drill hole. They tried, but failed. It was admirable of them to even try. I hold as much blame to him for destroying Vulcan as I do to Chekov for killing you. None. He apologised, though it was just once, and surrounded by others.

Scott I do not know much about. Everyone calls him Scotty. He got into trouble with Admiral Archer. Something to do with one of the man's beagles. He came up with the theory for transwarp beaming. He found Spock beating Kirk in the bridge while I was on board exciting. He has a fondness for food and alcoholic beverages.

Spock has been distancing himself from me. He is spending more time with his crewmembers. I am both gladdened for this and saddened by it. He is finding his own life, but did he have to do so now, when I am so alone?

No matter, I would have had the same reaction had you been there too. He is our boy and he is growing up. Just think of it, Amanda. In a few years, no more than 10 I estimate, he'll be a full adult. He will be able to have children of his own. T'Pring was killed with Vulcan, so he will be able to choose his own bondmate.

I think it makes him happier knowing this. He was never too attached to the girl we chose for him. And she was not attached to him. It was a bad match.

You would be proud of him, making his own life and living it like he is.

McCoy wants to have another look at my hand just to make sure it is properly healed. It is, but he refuses to take my word for it.

He keeps using the word Vulcan like it is derogatory. Yet again, he does the same thing to everyone. Except he uses other means to go about it. He calls his captain a kid and an idiot. Kirk lets him get away with it. I think it may be the doctor's personality as opposed to him meaning anything he actually says. He is a good doctor regardless of this.

Yes, I am trying to avoid him. It hasn't worked too well.

I have to go now.

I love you.

Sarek.


	31. Letter Thirty One

Amanda,

McCoy believes that Spock is not taking your death as well as I have hoped.

He told me in private before they left to go on with their mission that he was going to get Spock into therapeutic sessions on board the ship.

I am unsure of how to react to this news. On the one hand, if it helps him, it is a good thing. On the other, I do not know how Spock will react to the demand. He may well refuse, except that it is going to be a direct order, which is why McCoy told me. He seems to think I would pull rank to get Spock out of it.

I remember my shields crumbling, my inability to control my emotions during that time, and the time it took to get them back into place. I could not have done that on my own. I still have trouble with this. While it has not happened again, I do become overly emotional at times. I try not to express this while in company. I do not always succeed.

It is a common problem in the Vulcan community now, though, I have found. Most of us tend to leave company during those times. It is acceptable, since our losses have been so great.

I still have days where it takes a lot of energy just to get out of bed. It has not been that long, only a few months have passed, but it still affects us deeply.

Today is a bad day. With Spock now out of the house, I am finding myself unable to sleep again. His presence calmed me a lot more than I thought it would.

I want to forgo any work I may need to do, lie in bed and sleep. I have gotten a call from the Embassy saying they would like to speak to me about reinstating myself.

I need to find someone to work on the farm first, but soon enough I will be back to my diplomatic duties with the farm as a part time job.

Why does this make me stress more, rather than less?

I need to get up now or I never will.

I love you.

Sarek.


	32. Letter Thirty Two

Hmm, sorry about not updating the past 2 days. Has anyone else been having troubles with the site? I've been unable to reply to reviews or anything O_o Sorry about that people. If you don't get a reply to a review, it is because the site is mucking up on me. I always try to reply to reviews.

Ah well, enjoy this chapter. I had fun writing it, though Sarek tends to wander a bit in this one I think. But good wandering. He's working out a new routine with Spock, which makes him think of his relationship with Amanda.

* * *

Amanda,

I am back to being Ambassador. Right now I am at the farm, and have collected these letters. I am needed back on Earth shortly. A meeting has been called that needs my attention. I do not know any information other than that. Perhaps there is word on the Romulans, or perhaps trouble with the Orions.

Vulcan may no longer exist, but her people still do. At least that has not been forgotten. At least we are not going to war with the other founding members of the Federation. I may have been silently worrying over how the Andorians may respond.

Enough of business...

Spock called me today.

He was agitated when I answered the call, which was followed by a brief, yet extremely volatile on his part, screaming fit. He has been burying his anger and he lost control of it.

I stayed calm. I encouraged him. It seemed to help. He calmed down faster than any time he lost control after Vulcan was destroyed and you were lost to us. Possibly because I did not yell back this time.

You are no longer here, and you were Spock's anchor to his emotions. You tended to be able to keep him calm, where I could not. I know you talked to him about his emotional state. All I can do is allow him to release his anger and hope he can speak to his human friends about his other emotions. At least he has people he can trust and turn to in that regard. I am not the best at it, and he knows that. I am not offended by his not talking to me about such things. If anything, I am relieved.

We talked afterwards. I told him to express his anger to me if he needed to. In him it leads to violence if he does not. He tends to hurt people physically. Yelling is better than that. He is dangerous when provoked, and right now he seems to be easily provoked. I remember hurting him and how frightening it was to realise what I was doing. I understand that part of him better now for that incident though.

I told him when he asked why, that you would stop speaking to me when you were angry with me and had no chance to express it. And you did. I think now that you needed to yell, to scream, and I tended to stop you from doing so. My tendency to not yell back annoyed you even further. I could apologise and say I would let you express your anger at me if you were still alive but I know I would not be comfortable with that. I would still act the same.

It was one of those differences that neither of us could truly change about ourselves. In that, we were too different species wise to be truly compatible.

That our marriage worked is amazing enough in itself. And it did for me.

I hope it did for you too. I never asked you.

You told me enough times that you loved me. I still regret now never saying it back when you were alive.

I still love you. I doubt I will ever stop loving you.

Sarek.


	33. Letter Thirty Three

For those who asked, last chapter goes in at the end of chapter 3 of For Mine Eyes Only. This one is somewhere during chapter 4 while Spock is having fun on an away mission and stays planet side collecting samples and making lists of plant and animal life on an unexplored planet. Sarek is majorly stressed and doesn't want to show it, poor dear. *hugs him*

* * *

Amanda,

I am back on Earth and things here are...strange. I will not write what is going on during these talks, just in case someone decides to read these letters, like, say, your mother again.

She called me when I arrived to see if I arrived here without dying. She seemed wholly relieved that I answered her call.

There is not much to tell, unfortunately. I should be here for a while, until certain matters have been settled before going back to helping on the colony.

Now I am here, I am missing the daily work on the farm. When I am there, I wish to not have to do the daily work and go back to my diplomatic duties.

I am confused again.

I have not heard from Spock since my last letter. He told me he would call me regularly now, and he has not been. I find myself worrying, even though if something had happened and he was dead I would know about it by now. Kirk himself would call to tell me if Spock had died on duty.

I should stop worrying over irrational thoughts, but it is plaguing me.

Your death has affected be in ways I would never have imagined possible. I doubt I would be this badly if it had been a natural death.

I find myself not knowing what to write tonight. My mind is not fully on this letter. I am writing it because I have nothing else to do and the silence of my rooms is making me lonely for you.

I am going to bed.

I love you.

Sarek.


	34. Letter Thirty Four

This one is still within chapter 4 of FMEO. Poor Sarek is worrying himself sick.

* * *

Amanda,

My mind is consumed with worry.

It has been 1 week and 3 days since the last time I had a message from Spock.

I cannot sleep without dreaming of him dying alongside you. I have once again lost my appetite. I spend most of my spare time constantly pacing in either our bedroom or my study.

It is having a negative result on my body. I am physically weaker than I was. I am constantly tired and wishing to rest. My head, chest and heart ache with grief of the thought of losing him so close after I have lost you.

My concentration is minimal, but thankfully, the demanding duties of my job have already been seen to.

I have been keeping company with Shras. He is the Andorian Ambassador. He seems a lot happier to be in my company as I am now than normal, possibly because I am being overly emotional. Andorians are very passionate about their emotions. Still, at least it is friendly and not fighting. I do not believe I would survive a fight with him as I am.

Right now I do not care about that. All I care about is getting word from our son! Where is he? What is he doing? Why is he making me wait like this?

I need to calm down and I cannot until I am absolutely positive nothing is wrong with him.

Perhaps I should ask Kirk myself...

I believe I will go do that now.

I love you!

Sarek.


	35. Letter Thirty Five

Next letter we will hear from Spock again. And move away from chapter 4 of FMEO. And Sarek realises he's an idiot sometimes and that he is getting better.

* * *

Amanda,

Kirk has promised not to tell Spock of my overactive imagination and worry for him.

I called the captain and he tells me, with much relief on my part, that Spock is currently assigned planet side on a scientific study of an unexplored planet.

It is something I know would excite Spock. It is no wonder he has not taken time to call and let me know he is well. Kirk expects the study to last a few more days before they leave for their next destination.

At least now I know Spock is alive, well and enjoying himself. I can wait for his call, knowing he is not being mauled by some unknown monster in the dark.

Of course, now I feel like a fool for acting and thinking this way.

I have a meeting I need to go to soon. I just thought it best that I write this now, when it is still new and relieving, rather than wait until afterwards. These letters help me a little, now at least, with my emotional control.

They did the opposite to begin with.

I hope you would not think that a bad thing. I am definitely not forgetting you or any such nonsense. It has begun to get easier to live with.

I do not think that a bad thing and I doubt you would think it so either.

I love you.

Sarek.


	36. Letter Thirty Six

We're on to chapter 5 now of FMEO. Sarek can finally relax :p

* * *

Amanda,

I spoke to Spock again, today. He is much more relaxed than he was last time we spoke. I can stop my endless worrying over him now. He is well. He looks content with his job and life. None of the anger he exhibited last call was present.

You would be proud of him. I know, I have written that before, but it is true. You would be proud of him. I am proud of him. It seems he is finding a balance in his life that he could never have reached on Vulcan.

We used to worry that he would never find balance in his life. That he would go towards one direction or the other. That one of us would be disappointed. I was when he joined Starfleet, but that has gone now. I fully believe he made the right decision for himself.

It is also a decision only he could make. Neither of us wanted him there, but he went anyway. You cried for days afterwards, afraid he would never return.

He has promised to keep in frequent contact, which has relieved me greatly. I may have been projecting, or expressing my worry.

Maybe now I can get some proper rest. I find I am continuously tired and out of breath. Grief does not agree with me. Yet again, I am yet to meet a person it does agree with.

I miss you. I love you. I am sure Spock does too, though he seems more keen on not showing it than myself.

Sarek.


	37. Letter Thirty Seven

For those of you who are wondering, no knowledge of For Mine Eyes Only is needed to understand this story. It follows its own rules, the two may join together somewhat, but these two boys are sharing very different problems. Grief is one of the things that they are both going through. Those of you who have read the other story may know what may come in some chapters, but not all, as other things happen before and after Spock's diary entires in the first.

And for those interested in pairing the two up, this chapter goes between chapter 6 and 7 of For Mine Eyes Only.

* * *

Amanda,

I am not well. By not well I mean I am very worried about my own health.

My heart is broken. In the literal sense, not metaphorical. I had a heart attack earlier and after being examined, the healer found a fault in one of my heart valves. I have been given medication for it, and the Embassy is currently trying to find a doctor who knows the Vulcan heart well enough to perform the surgery.

All our medical doctors seem to be with the colony at this moment in time. Why, I have no idea. Most of the current population is sharing the planet with the humans. It is quite ridiculously crowded here. There is bound to be some humans who know our anatomy, especially of our heart, and be able to perform the surgery needed. I know we have had a few humans join our hospitals and learning of our physiology.

They want to fix this problem fast, as there are few of us in a diplomatic function, and I am needed. Vulcan seems to be relying on the few of us here at the Embassy to make sure everything goes smoothly, and especially me, as I have been Vulcan Ambassador for the Federation and to Earth for a quite a number of years now.

It is a lot of pressure. I knew there were past heart problems in my family line, but not usually in one under 100 years of age. Stress must have set it off early in me. Or perhaps the metaphorical heartbreak of my grief manifested itself into a physical symptom.

I will have the news of whether there is a human doctor qualified to operate on a Vulcan shortly. Until then, I am off duty and told to relax as much as possible.

Relax...the word is much easier to say than to perform what it means. I have not been able to relax since Vulcan caved in and I lost you. So I decided to spend this time writing this letter. I doubt the search will take much longer.

I am worried on how to tell Spock. It is possible I could die during this operation. I could bleed out. My heart may just stop working. Or, it could go well and I will be fit again.

I am unsure how Spock will take the news that I may die. I refuse to lie to him.

I will tell him as soon as I hear news. I may have to wait for a doctor to be brought here to Earth if one cannot be found, but I doubt that is likely.

As humans are always saying in situations like these "Wish me luck."

I wish you were here. You would make this bearable for me.

I love you.

Sarek.


	38. Letter Thirty Eight

I am so sorry it has been so long since the last update. I got sick, which led me to being tested for Celiacs, which I may have. So, I have been feeling very sick for quite a while, because of the tests. Thankfully, testing is over, and I can go to eating foods I can eat without feeling sick. Yay. This will be updated regularly again, with any luck...

* * *

Amanda,

Not too long after my last letter, I got the word that a Doctor M'Benga had been arranged to perform the surgery. After hearing that, I let Spock know I was having heart surgery. He was distressed by the news, though hid it well enough.

He has just lost one parent. I think he would see himself a failure if he lost me too. I should call him again soon enough, but first I am told to rest myself for a day or two.

The surgery was a success though it has left me weak and easy to tire. Until I am in better health, looking after the farm will be impossible, so once I get back to the new home I will be spending most of my days overlooking what the farmhands have done.

I have been told to expect to tire easily, so I am forewarned on that. I will not be doing much of anything until that passes.

I look forward to the quiet. Hospitals are far too filled with noise for my liking. I should be sent back to the colony within the next few days. I will call Spock before leaving to let him know I am on the mend and doing well.

It is rare that my letters to you only have good news in them, and I see this as good. It is a nice change of mood for me. I will probably have a lot more energy after I am properly healed.

I love you.

Sarek.


	39. Letter Thirty Nine

Amanda,

I have called Spock to let him know I am well from my surgery and healing as fast as my body will allow. It seems I would have gotten sick with this naturally at a later date and the stress of the past few months aggravated my heart past its limits and it malfunctioned earlier.

Spock seems anxious. I know he was worried, but I had thought that hearing about my good health would ease that. It hasn't. He is still anxious. I find myself hoping he is going to his therapeutic sessions instead of finding some way out of them. I believe it would help him.

I never thought the idea of therapy for our son would ever sound like a good thing. This is strange and frightening. I worry for his life. There have been suicides amongst the surviving Vulcans. I do not want to hear he has become part of that statistic.

You would know what was wrong. You would be able to talk to him and find out. I cannot find the right questions, and asking it in my normal way has him evading the questions. You were always able to say the right words to get him to talk.

I am a useless father.

I am unable to help my son when he needs it most.

I find myself wanting you to be here, to help, to talk to, to touch and love and hold. You would do the right thing in this situation. You always knew the right way when it came to Spock's behaviour and emotions.

Enough of this. I am getting stronger by the day and am going to be leaving for the colony again tomorrow. I have been cleared to leave early in the morning. I have been ordered to have a week of rest or light duty only. At least I will no longer be more or less bedridden. It will be good to see how much the colony has grown in my absence.

I love you.

Sarek.


	40. Letter Forty

For those interested, I have been cleared! I haven't got Celiacs or anythign liek that, or any allergies. I am however not able to eat certain foods for absolutely no reason whatsoever, since I have basically been told I am healthy. My doctor tends to think I may have an ulcer, so am on tablets to help with that.

Ah well, good news!

Enjoy this new chapter. In which Sarek kind of lies. And experiments with emotion and his grief. Yeah.

* * *

Amanda,

I am back at the farm. I am bored. I am grieving. It is not a good combination.

I am also exhausted.

I spent most of the day staring at walls and sleeping for a few hours at certain times. I have been getting better from my operation, but the flight here and the walking to the farm tired me greatly. I was unable to sleep on the ship here. There was something in the hum of the engines that refused to allow me rest.

I have definitely caught up on my sleep.

I find myself unwilling to meditate today. I have been upset over music of all things. I did not break like the last time with your father, thankfully, though I did end up crying.

I found your music collection. Staring at walls is not productive. If I am to stay in bed all day, I would prefer to do something while in bed. My own music would have allowed me to relax. Instead I chose yours, which I knew would get me in an over emotional state.

I am reluctant even writing this down. I was not going to, but changed my mind. Only you, Amanda. You made me smile when you were alive, and in death you make me cry.

I wonder if this pain will fade. It has not, as of yet. When I have good days, I begin to think it may, only for that to be turned around by a bad day in which all I want to do is lie down and express it. It is not Vulcan. But neither were you. I did say I would mourn you in a human way.

This is idiotic. I wanted to cry, but it does not exactly come easily or naturally for me to do so. So I did the one thing I could think of to make it happen. Music is expressive for me. Your music has made me content, sad, angry, amused. I may not have shown it, but it did make me feel these emotions.

I chose the sad songs and played them repeatedly. It had the desired effect.

Why did I do this? I should have no urge to do things like this. Yet I did it and I wanted to. I purposefully set out to do just this.

And now I feel I misled you at the beginning of this letter. As I said, I was not going to write it down. It seems important now to do so.

I do not class this as one of my bad days. Doing this on a bad day would possibly end with me needing a mind healer again. I would lose control. Today was as controlled as this could possibly get.

As a note, I feel more relaxed now. More in control of myself. I found this experiment in expressing my grief productive. I doubt I will do this again, or if I do I will not do so often.

I am hungry now and the sun has set. I will go and cook some dinner for myself and go back to bed.

Perhaps I will listen to something more uplifting to go to sleep on.

I love you.

Sarek.


	41. Letter Forty One

Heh, one problem with writing Vulcans is thinking up names. I usually just stare blankly at the screen, type in the first thing that comes in mind (usually days afterwards...) that looks even remotely Vulcan and scowl at how wrong it probably is. In other words, meet Vanek. He works on Sarek's farm now.

* * *

Amanda,

I am doing much better today. A night of uninterrupted sleep has raised my mood and my strength.

I was woken early by Vanek. It is the first time I have met the boy as he was hired to work the farm after I had already left, taking over from the temporary help I had managed to find. He is Spock's age. You would like him, I believe. He enjoys learning.

Spock seems no better, but no worse. I talked to him earlier this evening. He states that he is getting different advice from different people and he is finding it hard to come to a middle ground. His friends are looking after him though. And he is going to his sessions.

I do not have anything much else to say today. I thought it might help to write down about Spock. You would appreciate knowing he is as well as can be expected.

I believe he will get well. I am getting better, so I do not see why he should not be able to.

Or perhaps I am in more control of myself today since the day you and Vulcan died.

Today has been a definite improvement for me, I find myself hurting less and I spent the day outside.

Do not worry, I did not overwork myself. Mainly I sat down and watched my farm being looked after and read reports to catch up on diplomatic situations I do not have to worry about for the next week. The air did me good.

I was finally able to truly relax.

I love you.

Sarek.


	42. Letter Forty Two

Amanda,

Spock is not doing well.

I got a message today from Doctor McCoy telling me that Spock is extremely stressed and it has made him physically ill. He has been taken off active duty and has been told to rest. McCoy called me because he is worried. It is not good behaviour of a doctor to break the confidentiality rule they have in place, unless it is of great importance.

I am worried again. I tried calling Spock, but there was no answer. I soon found out that McCoy also gave him something to make him sleep. Hopefully he will be well tomorrow after some uninterrupted rest.

I hope this is not life threatening. I remember being unable to eat without being ill after your death. The lack of sleep has gotten better in me. I still have nights where I cannot sleep, but they are becoming rare. Perhaps Spock is having the reverse effect.

I apologise if this makes no sense.

I love you. I love our son.

Why does he seem to always make things more difficult for the both of us, even if it is unintentionally?

I will try getting in contact with him again tomorrow.

Sarek.


	43. Letter Forty Three

Short letter is short. Also, anyone mind if I kick the site for being a pain? Anyone else had troubles with it the past few days?

* * *

Amanda,

The reason for Spock's distress is an Earth custom called Mother's Day. We never celebrated it on Vulcan, and I confess to cultural blindness in not having experienced it or ever wondered if you felt the need to. You were a mother after all, and our son is currently on a mostly human ship, in which human cultural days are celebrated.

It seems to have pushed him into feeling his grief. I had been wondering if he was better at handling this than I am, but he isn't. We are just...different.

He is as well as can be expected. As well as I was when I went through that emotional turmoil. Which, while not well at all, will hopefully end with him still being here and alive.

I survived. I am sure he can too.

I still worry, but he is at least actively grieving now. Doctor McCoy told me once that Spock was denying himself the emotion. Even I did not do that, or if I did, it was not intentional.

I wish we had celebrated this day at least once, just to see how it was on Vulcan, like we did with other celebratory human days, like your birthdays.

I love you.

Sarek.


	44. Letter Forty Four

Amanda,

There is a sense of expectation in the very air itself today.

I cannot explain it better than that.

It is as though something important is going to take place or has already and I have not yet been informed. I have no idea if something has or will happen to give me this reaction, but it is there nonetheless.

I am up to a bit of work today, I believe, and so I am going to work on the farm with Vanek. I have woken quite early and have much more energy than I have had the past few days. It is good to be having energy once again, and it has been improving my mood.

I still worry for Spock, but I know there is nothing I can do for him when he is as far as he is from me. He will call when he is ready to speak to me. I have accepted this.

I had the sudden need to write this down. I do not understand why, but it does seem important.

This possibly makes no sense at all. I do not fully understand it myself. I am not usually one to follow my gut as you would call it.

I do not believe this is anything bad or wrong. It could be my imagination, it could be I am wrong entirely and it is bad news, or it could be nothing important at all.

Did you ever get this sensation while you were alive, Amanda?

I wish that you could answer that, but know you cannot. It is a shame I never got the chance to ask you while you lived.

No matter.

I love you.

Sarek.


	45. Letter Forty Five

Heh, this matches up with chapters 12 and 13 of FMEO. And, also, it is now as long as that story too. Yep, Spock only got 45 chapters. Sarek has reached this and gotten not even halfway through Spock's story. Tying these two together is quite fun, and I will kind of miss it when I run out of Spock's diary entries and leave Sarek on his own once again. Not as much as how much I missed actually writing down Spock's entries. Really, I recommend this type of story writing for people with not enough time on their hands. Just little entries or letters when you can. It's great when it can come together and make a story in itself.

For those interested, there is a sliiiight deviation between what Spock writes and what Sarek does. This isn't a mistake, it's deliberate. I think, with the way Sarek has been worrying for Spock that this is the first place his mind would go when given this news, regardless of what Spock tells him. In other words...the word suicide pops up quite a few times this letter.

* * *

Amanda,

Bad news. Why does it always have to be bad news now?

I don't know if it was me predicting any kind of future outcome, though I very much doubt it, or if I just expected something like this to happen.

Shortly after my last letter to you, I got a call from Spock.

His pain is so deep and he cannot seem to get past it. He is giving up, Amanda. Our son. He told me he can't live like this, that his grief was killing him. He is in the process of rewriting his will so you are no longer in it. Just in case he says.

He says he isn't going to suicide, but it is all I can think of right now. He seems to want to die. He is all I have left, Amanda. I don't know if I can do this without him here, knowing he is with friends and doing his duties.

I don't want him to end up on the list of suicides. I want him here and safe with me. I want to care for him and make him better. To try and see him through his pain, since I know there is no cure for this. I know that for the moment this is not possible, as he is too far away.

I will call the good doctor to ask him to pay extra attention to Spock. Once I calm down again.

I have spent half of today in tears with this news, or so it seems. The shock of it sent me into tears when Spock told me. I panicked Vanek when I started while helping with the farm. He kept asking if I needed a healer. I didn't. He lost his entire family with Vulcan. He is so young, not yet fully adult, and he had never seen someone my age cry. He reminds me of Spock.

I have been sharing my evening meals with T'Ilan since coming back here, as she doesn't want me alone and bored in bed all day on my own. She does seem to be very much non Vulcan in some of the things she says. She doesn't seem to know that I have Vanek here now through the days for company or that I am now fit to work. She didn't seem too startled by my tears. I will tell her this tomorrow night.

I hope my talk with Spock makes him think of life as still an option to him. We mainly talked about our emotions. You would have probably enjoyed the conversation once I calmed myself, if it was not on such an occasion as this.

I need to call Doctor McCoy now. I will not be able to stop worrying this badly, until I have. I suspect I will still worry, but it won't be as overwhelming knowing that Spock will have people watching him for signs of suicide.

I never want to write that word down again, especially in connection with our son.

We spent so long trying for him. Why would he do this to us?

I love you.

Sarek.


	46. Letter Forty Six

This follows with chapter 14 of FMEO. For those interested and who haven't read that story (both stories can be read without any knowledge of the other,) Spock didn't hit the mirror in anger, he did it out of shame. But no, he isn't suicidal.

* * *

Amanda,

Doctor McCoy has assured me that he and others aboard the _Enterprise_ are looking after Spock and have been since his going back on the ship.

They share each meal with him, to make sure he eats. They make sure that he has company when they are off duty. He has no one with him during the Alpha shift, as Spock has been taken off active duty until he is mentally well.

The doctor does not believe Spock is suicidal. Grieving heavily, yes, but not suicidal. I mistook his saying he felt like he was dying as him saying he was going to die. A simple mistake to make, but one that had me extremely worried for his safety.

I am relieved to hear this. And knowing that Spock is still going to his therapeutic sessions eases my mind somewhat. He is not alone, he has friends and he is getting help he may or may not need.

Spock hurt himself today. He broke a mirror according to Kirk. The Captain decided I should know. He had glass in his hand, but McCoy fixed that. They made sure there was no glass left in the room, made sure no one else knew. The doctor seems to think it is a good thing that he called for medical help immediately afterwards instead of using the glass for use of a cutting implement. They think he may have lost control and smashed the mirror in a fit of anger.

It is possible. Spock has a temper and the more he hurts the more it shows.

There is nothing in his behaviour according to his friends that suggests he wants to die, or that he would have used the glass to such purposes. They made sure to get rid of it anyway, but it did not seem likely.

I do not know if they are telling him that they are keeping in contact with me. Is this classed as an act of breaking confidentiality? I am his father, and in Vulcan years he is still juvenile. He is not yet an adult.

Perhaps it is because I fear for his safety. They know this. I would not keep in contact with them otherwise, since Spock had been ignoring my messages until yesterday's disastrous call.

As you would say, Amanda, I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

I love you.

Sarek.


	47. Letter Forty Seven

This letter is probably the longest one there is so far. And most of it is about worries on Pon Farr and bonding. I am not one of the people who you will find writing fluffy stories of Pon Farr. It is not the least bit fluffy or cute or should be used as such in my mind. I blink and raise an eyebrow when I tend to find those stories. I don't believe it has to be always bad or nothing but rape, rape, rape, but fluffy?

And now, down near the end of this letter, Sarek has an idea. I have the odd urge to write it. It would not be for humour like others I have found, but a serious look at the subject. Would anyone be interested in reading and/or helping me write it? I have knowledge of TOS, Enterprise and Voyager, but not much at all in TNG or DS9. So, any looks in those series about it, if it exists in them, would be most welcome. Episode titles would come in handy too.

I am already playing around with a Voyager idea I have involving Vorik and the Doctor after his Pon Farr. His reaction to it after it was over was...not there at all. Damn it. I have a major soft spot for Vorik. That and a major soft spot for names beginning with V... I has my Vanek, my T'Vir and in Doctor Who, my Varis.

Gah, I'll shut up rambling now and let you read the letter.

* * *

Amanda,

I apologised to Vanek today. He did not come yesterday to help at the farm. I upset him deeply. I forget sometimes how much others look towards me in how to act. I explained what happened, that the thought of my only living blood kin dying by his own hand, and that it was my son, broke through my control.

He had spent yesterday with a Healer, working on his shields. That he waited until he was back at the domicile he is staying in with other orphaned boys roughly his age before losing control is commendable. I believe he wanted somewhere he deemed safe to break down in.

I wrote in one of my earlier letters that he lost his entire family. He also lost his bonded partner. He is terrified half out of his mind at the thought of entering his first Time without her. It is all he talked about today.

T'Pring was killed with the planet. Is Spock this afraid? Perhaps I will have to talk to him about it. I would prefer not to, but the situation may end up needing it. I have no way of knowing how to begin the conversation. You know as much as any Vulcan that the subject is not one talked about.

At least Doctor McCoy knows about it. He may be able to find a suitable female for Spock if it is needed. I doubt the good doctor would allow Spock to die in a situation where death is the least wanted option and others exist.

I am thinking way too much on this subject now. It is still one of the major concerns in my mind. The boys losing their chosen partners, and the adults having lost their mates. I did not even wonder how it would affect anyone other than myself or Spock.

The opposite is also true. The girls having lost their partners are now being forced into other bonding links. They know they are needed, but the partners they grew up with, the ones they knew are now gone and strangers are taking that place. Most adult women have already chosen a partner.

Vanek is supposed to be bonded again. He is close to 30 years of age. He is refusing a female who does not want to help him, be with him. He does not want someone forced on him.

He reminds me of Spock. Spock would rather die than force someone into that. So would I for that matter. Unfortunately, because of my status as important to the colony and what is left of my people, if I have not found a mate, I will be forced to take one regardless of whether either of us is willing. I am seen as one of the very few people who are needed for my role in talking to other races. My career as Ambassador is sorely needed, and I am seen by most of the Federation as one of the best. Which is why, my dear wife, we were always called on for the more difficult tasks.

The idea makes me shudder.

I fear we may become quite uncivilised if this continues as a new tradition. Both the male and female should be able to choose or at least have a say. While bonding was done before with clan alliances in mind, both children were usually quite agreeable to their chosen.

I fear there may be quite a few more challenges, as opposed to marriages happening soon. Will we once again become a violent race?

Hopefully by my Time some female chooses me, though I am not the first choice for most, since my marriage to you is considered a mark against me in that area. Perhaps they think I intend to marry outside the species again. I would not do that to my people when mated pairs are needed to help with the current population problem. I have noticed an increase in mating outside the seven year cycle. Those who managed to get off planet with their mates or were living or working off planet at the time of its death, are expecting children already.

So much has changed. We will have to be careful not to increase the population past a point where we cannot sustain ourselves or overtax our new planetary home. It was not a problem before for...obvious reasons. So few mated outside their cycle. It kept the population controlled.

I believe T'Ilan just arrived for dinner. I will leave this letter for the moment, though no doubt at some stage in the near future my mind will once again make me think more on the subject.

Perhaps I should write a guide for the young ones. A single book for both sexes, so that both know what they are getting into. I do not think the secrecy on the topic is going to help. It may help them both come to terms with what will happen.

The first time is the worst when it comes to expectations, though not by any means the worse it can get. This is not always so.

Too many Vulcans are still on Earth. It is only a matter of time before one starts to show the symptoms. It may be easier if we just tell the humans about our mating cycle. I am in the minority in thinking this, unfortunately.

T'Ilan is talking to me now, wanting to know what I am doing and looking at me with a curious tilt of her head. She has already begun cooking the evening meal.

Hmm, her reply to my saying I was thinking of writing a guide to help the children through their first Pon Farr was laughed at. I have mentioned she is not typical of a Vulcan. I will have to ask her about that. I will do so tonight.

I love you.

Sarek.


	48. Letter Forty Eight

I am not sure what other people will think of this idea. For that matter, I am not entirely sure about this chapter. Sarek seems to be going up and down in it like an emotional yoyo but doesn't realise it fully. He's also got this flow of conscious going on...he flits from one topic to another by taking on his own cues to end up so he can think of only one thing, Amanda. It's...weird. Please don't hate me for it...

* * *

Amanda,

Interesting. Like Spock, T'Ilan is not entirely all Vulcan. She too is a hybrid, though not human/Vulcan like our son. Her other half is Betazoid. Her empathic abilities are quite low for a hybrid of that species.

She still has the ability though. Living here in the colony must be rather painful to an empathic being. It is bad enough for a telepathic being. To be both...I wonder how her father is coping with Vulcan emotion.

She lost one person in the fall of Vulcan, her bondmate. She too is in no rush to get another. In that we are much alike. She was raised on Betazed, though follows mainly Vulcan principals and biology. She was with her parents when what happened occurred.

I still have yet to meet the rest of her family. I hear her brother took after the father more than the mother. Opposites. I wonder if another child between us would have favoured you genetically.

Right this instant I am not particularly interested in meeting anyone new.

I am going to be busy for the next week. More Vulcans are going to be arriving shortly and those of us here think it necessary to help them settle in. I am set to be one of those people, as my status is known to most, if not all, Vulcans both on Earth and coming from other places.

I am gratified that someone now is here through the days to look after the farm, as my days have now been taken over by diplomatic or colonial duties. Mainly what to do and who to put where with the new influx of people coming to the colony for their new homes.

That sentence possibly makes no sense. I apologise. My mind has been on other things.

I am trying to get the council to see that some of the ways we are beginning to live by are not the best for our people. Mainly that of keeping biological secrets and that it would be best to tell others. As is typically Vulcan, they will not talk about it.

You corrupted me with your human illogical behaviour. I wish to have you here with me through this. You would tell me the obvious which I miss because of my also being Vulcan. Human ingenuity was useful to me. I feel I have lost that with you.

Your insights into matters which seem so large to us were so simple we could not see it for ourselves. Losing you and that ability with it is like losing one of my senses. It is not easy.

I want you here still, so much.

I want this pain to end.

I want to see you and touch you. I want to love you and be loved in return. I want to take your hand and kiss you in both human and Vulcan ways. I want you in this new home. I want you in our bed.

You did always complain that I use too many words when few were needed. Simply put, I want you.

Now you are all that is on my mind. This is a relief.

I love you. I still regret never telling you that in person.

Sarek.


	49. Letter Forty Nine

Set sometime between chapter 14 and 15, before Spock reaches his irritable stage in FMEO. In which Sarek thinks of the Vulcan way of life and how not all of it will work any longer.

* * *

Amanda,

Spock seems to be doing better now. He is still off duty, but he seems to believe he will be going back to his work soon enough.

This relieves me somewhat, though he does seem to be showing symptoms of fatigue. Yet again, I remember going from no sleep to an overabundance. I am much more like myself before your death in sleeping habits now.

The new colonists are settling as well as they possibly can into their new homes. Some are not faring well. The higher the clan, the lower they seem to think they have fallen. Why was that not a trouble for me? I am quite content with a farm and my duties to the Vulcan people.

We are all equal as of now. To hold an old system of clan hierarchy here, when we are to start over is...rather stupid to put it bluntly. We have not lost our logical reasoning, so why try to hold on to a concept that no longer works.

It seems to be the norm. A new council is taking shape now, trying to sort out all the problems we may soon be facing.

Most of our customs are now obsolete. It hurts, but we will gain new customs, ones which hopefully benefit us as a people. It is the way things work.

My head hurts. This topic is headache inducing in me.

I believe I shall go lie down.

I love you.

Sarek.


	50. Letter Fifty

Amanda,

I do not know how often I will write in the next two or three days.

My headache is not stress or subject related. I am not exactly ill, though I cannot rid myself of this headache. I have been diagnosed with an allergy to the pollen of one of the native floral species of this world. I am having Vanek move the plants from my garden I have started growing to his own. He seems to favour them and there is no harm to his person.

The healers seem to think when away from the flowers, my symptoms will vanish on their own. Until then, I am having trouble concentrating and have been asked to stay home for a short duration, until I am better.

I have no idea why I am writing this letter. The screen hurts to look at and my head feels swollen, like my brain is too big to fit in my skull.

I just thought you should know my current health status.

Sarek.


	51. Letter Fifty One

This one takes place sometime during/after chapter 15 of FMEO.

* * *

Amanda,

I apologise for my last letter. I was not thinking clearly at the time it was written, but at least it made some sense.

It is three days after I wrote it and I am much improved. The headache is now gone and I am able to think in a proper and ordered way.

While I am getting better, Spock seems to be getting worse. He is irritable from lack of sleep. He is going through what I did straight after your death in his inability to sleep. I doubt Doctor McCoy will allow him to let it continue as long as it did in me, to a physical collapse in which it took days to recover.

He should try sleeping aids, but seems to be refusing them.

I wonder if his troubles include nightmares, as they did with me. If not, then insomnia is just as bad.

Why would he refuse the help if he needs to sleep so badly, unless like me if he wakes up he is unable to go back to sleep even on the sleep aid.

All this talk of lack of sleep is making me tired. It is early morning here and I just woke up after a night of undisturbed rest. I should not be tired. I believe I will take a walk around the farm after I have stopped writing this letter, before informing the council that I am fit for work again.

It is good to be rid of pain. I was unable to ignore it for the duration I was affected by it.

I believe I forgot in my last letter to say that I love you.

So, in this one I will say I twice.

I love you, Amanda.

I love you.

Sarek.


	52. Letter Fifty Two

I apologise for me taking so long to update. If any of you are wondering, it is because I have taken on a Big Bang challenge called Journey Story. It is to write a story, or story series or one shots about a journey. The journey could be anything. I am doing two story series for it, since there is plenty of time and both ideas sprang into my head. While one, a Doctor Who one done in River Song's POV will need a lot of pre planning on my part, the other, a Star Trek: TOS series does not.

Both are emotional journeys. One between River and the Doctor and them moving towards the relationship they have that is being hinted at. And the other is a series which spans from Spock leaving for Starfleet to Sarek's death in Unification and their father/son relationship.

I have been spending most of this time writing the Star Trek ones. And since I am a slow writer and write mainly a few hundred words a day, I am almost finished 2 of the stories now, and have the ideas for plenty more. Most are from canonical television/movie events, though a few are my own made up story and not based off of anything other than my own imagination. I do not class the books as canon, so I am not using them as material. Neither am I using TAS. Just TOS, TNG and the first 6 movies give or take one or two.

There will be twelve stories in each series. And they can all be read separately or together, as they are interconnecting one-shots, not a chaptered story, though they will follow chronological order and be posted as chaptered stories here. Well, as chronological as you can get for River's :P Each will be 1000 words or longer.

I will try to remember this story exists while writing my new little series, but my mind is more focused on TOS Sarek and Spock right now, not AOS Sarek. So, until they are written, expect sporadic updates of this when I get an idea and work it in.

Sorry for the inconvenience, though I hope some of you will be interested in my story series.

Yes, this note is much longer than the actual letter...

I'll shut up now and let you read :P

* * *

Amanda,

Spock has asked me if I had any visual reminders of you. Since the only thing I have was your last birthday vid, I gave him five minutes of footage from that. He should be pleased with it. It showed both of us happy. I think he believes me incapable of catering to your emotional needs.

I did not watch the vid. I am not ready for that. I cannot stand the thought of seeing you there on the screen looking so happy and alive, while knowing you are dead and no longer here.

I am depressing myself with these thoughts.

I doubt I will sleep tonight. I will be too busy wondering what Spock will say about that footage.

It may help him sleep to see your image.

I only remember it as the thing that broke me, right now. I will watch it when I am ready, not a moment sooner.

Will there ever come a time when I do not wish you were here with me to help him through these problems?

I need to go and do something positive now, before I go back to lying in bed staring at the walls or ceiling. I do not like when my mood drops that low, it is hard to get back up again.

I understand that now. I never did when you were grieving.

I love you.

Sarek.


	53. Letter Fifty Three

I have decided to write one of these between my series stories :) So, hey, at last they will come at least relatively regularly. One every few days, maybe. Once a week for sure :)

In this letter, Sarek finds out what Spock's reaction to his vid was.

* * *

Amanda,

It seems breaking down when watching that footage is the normal reaction.

I just got off the comm. from Doctor McCoy, who told me that Spock had spent quite a while unable to stop crying. And he has no one to help him to regain control like I did. The only good thing about the emotional release was he cried himself to sleep.

Our son has broken, Amanda, and he has no one but himself and his human friends to try and help him regain control, if he can. I am thinking that perhaps I should go to the ship myself and do whatever I can to be of assistance to him, but McCoy tends to think that may not be such a good idea.

He thinks Spock needs to do this on his own right now. His words not mine.

I need to know that he is well. I need to know he will be better after waking. I need to know that he will be able to cope with his emotions not only being on display but feeling their full weight. I stated in the letter I wrote about my own break that I felt like I was dying. Spock has only begun to believe that he was going to live through his grief and now this happens.

I should not have sent the vid. This is my fault.

I am staying home tomorrow. I cannot work while this is consuming my thoughts. I need to meditate and sort out this mess in my head.

Hopefully Spock will be well again soon.

This would be so much easier if I knew that there was some way you could read and reply to these letters.

I sometimes think I may be mad for writing them to begin with.

Regardless, I love you and will continue writing.

Sarek.


	54. Letter Fifty Four

I wrote this today instead of after I have finished my forgotten about Like Giants fic (A Doctor Who minor/original character ficathon. I'm writing a minor character Nasreen/Tony story :)) I've found it fun to write but extremely long to do so. I'm lucky if I manage 100 words a day but it is almost 1000 words now, yay. After that is written I am going to write Amanda's death story. THAT is going to be harder than I think it will be, not as hard as Sarek's Bendii Syndrome will be, though...I will have to rewatch 'Sarek' which is going to be hard, damnit...*hugs Sarek*

This letter is...odd. I started writing and it just decided to happen like this O_o, when Sarek's completely away from his comfort zone on diplomatic business and misses absolutely everything and his mind is making up ways for him to cope with the external and internal issues he's going through.

In other words, Sarek now thinks he's a bad husband.

I'll just...go over here and hide now... *meep*

* * *

Amanda,

I want a child.

I have been having this thought regularly this past week.

I am currently on Andoria and I am freezing cold. I wish for Vulcan. I wish for the colony and its heat. I wish for a body next to mine as I sleep to warm me. I long for the bond we had. I want to lose myself in you, sexually. I wish for a child.

I have been unable to contact Spock since my last letter as I have been doing diplomatic work, but plan on doing so when I am home. I do not want to replace him in this longing of mine. I want someone to be there in the house and a child fits in my mind, someone to comfort and hold and care for. Someone who depends on me fully and needs me close. To me right now, it seems ideal. The noise of a child would be a comfort to me, rather than the silent night.

I am too used to your little sleeping noises next to me. The way you would sometimes wake me by being overly amorous, with your hands touching me everywhere I like it. The moans you would make when I did the same to you.

You may be able to realise from the tone of this note that I also find that with the longing for a child comes sexual arousal. It has happened before, but not like this. It refuses to go away. Before it was triggered by dreams of you. Now it is triggered by cold, by heat, by thought, by dreams...by anything.

It is almost a biological need to mate, but it is not Pon Farr. Is this what humans go through all their adult life? It would explain why you introduced me to sex outside my Time. Now I have come too used to it.

I ache.

I want to be warmed.

Amanda. My Amanda. Beloved wife. Mother of my child.

I wish to make that last children. It will likely happen soon enough, after I am bonded once again and mate with who I am given, but it will not be your child.

I am betraying your memory by thinking right now that I don't care. I just want to not be alone at night.

I apologise.

Would you believe I love you at this point? Or would you see this as a betrayal just as much as I do? Was I a bad husband to you in life, as I am in your death?

The words I love you seem useless and untrue today. They are true, never doubt that, but...these thoughts and emotions are no longer solely about you. I do not love another, but I do want to be with another. Any other at this point.

I am confused and irritable.

I want to go back to my home now and out of this cold. It will help, I know it.

I have to go now. Shras is banging on the door, but I don't want to get out of the bed I am in, which is the warmest place available to me.

I wish you were here.

Sarek.


	55. Letter Fifty Five

Wow, okay, I did not intend for this chapter to go this way. The worry was supposed to be there, the nice little start with Sarek's petty revenge on Shras was meant to go in there, but the end...well, Sarek really lets loose on his anger in written form and he is so going to regret it once he has calmed down. It's the first time he realises that he may actually be truly angry with Amanda for dying and leaving him and Spock.

For those interested, it is tied in with chapter 18 of FMEO.

* * *

Amanda,

I am now back at the colony, and warm once again. I managed to get Shras to come with me as a petty revenge for the cold of his planet. Now he can feel the heat of this one.

It is still unnamed by us. We do not want another Vulcan, we want the planet to still be the planet it is. It does not stop the other species in the Federation from calling it New Vulcan.

The name bothers me. But not as much as the heat is bothering Shras.

Yes, it is very much not a Vulcan decision to have brought him here, but it seems to have endeared the Andorian Ambassador to me even more. He is constantly complaining of the heat, but he does so with a smile and his antenna held in his happy but hot position. He knows why I made him come here.

I have gained myself an ally and friend, something sorely needed with the more violent races in the Federation, as it is more likely to prevent attack upon the colony.

At least the Andorians never bothered lying about their nature. To them, we are the liars. Most people tend to be emotional. But you already knew this and I am not stating anything new.

I am avoiding the real topic to be written about.

Shras is going to leave for his own home tonight, as I get ready to leave mine once again early tomorrow morning. I have been home less than a day and I had two separate calls waiting for me from the _Enterprise_, both about Spock. One from Doctor McCoy and another from Doctor Stevens, the ship counsellor.

They are deeply worried for him and fear this time he may be suicidal. The one week I am not here to take these calls is the one time they arrive. Our son is giving up on life, and I wasn't here to learn of it when it started.

I called him to see how he was for myself. It distressed me deeply enough to get me to swear at him. He tried to convince me that the needs of the many outweighed the needs of the one. I would not hear it spoken, not when my son is thinking of dying. He started crying Amanda, he was so distraught.

The _Enterprise_ is soon to dock at a star base for maintenance and a short shore leave for the crew. I will meet them there. I am not going to abandon the only family I have left, I do not care how selfish it is of me.

I am needed by my son now. He needs to know he still has family. He has lost you. I do not think he could live with my death too. I can barely think of what it would do to me if he does decide to end his life.

I am so angry with you right now. I don't fully understand why, all I know is that it was you who died and left him in this state and I am left trying to help ease it and not knowing if I will be enough. I don't know what I am doing, Amanda. You were the one who always dealt with his problems.

I have the irrational feeling that you abandoned us to this fate. I cannot stop these thoughts. I know intellectually you would not do that to either of us, but emotionally it is all I can think of.

Why did you let go of Spock, Amanda? If you had been at his side, holding his hand like you were all the way through the caverns of the Katric Arc, you would still be alive and none of this would be happening. You would still be in my bed at night. You would be much more adept at farming than I am. You would make this bearable!

I am _not_ going to cry when there is still an Andorian inside my house. I refuse myself that emotional response. You are not going to get anything out of me right now, but anger. And you have all of that right now. You are the one that left us! You are the one making Spock feel like killing himself! You are the one who has made our lives these past few months hell!

Right now, I don't like you at all. The woman I knew and loved would not have done this to her family.

I don't care how illogical, over emotional or how much I may end up disliking myself afterwards, I need to say this. I hate you right now, Amanda, for doing this to us. Hate you. Since I cannot shout it out loud, I will scream it all I want in words instead.

_**I HATE YOU! **_

_**I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!**_


	56. Letter Fifty Six

I am on a writing roll right now. In the past three days, I have written these two letters plus 2 almost 2000 words each one shot Sarek stories for my story series. Amanda's death and a shore leave on Vulcan for Spock that...comes at the wrong time for Sarek. I am loving both of them so much too, which is absolutely odd for me. I hope people end up enjoying them when I post them. I haven't thought of a title to put the stories all under yet. It will go under TOS section of this site, since it is very much that Sarek and Spock. The one thing I am worried about is canonicity...especially with the stories taking place within the TNG timeline, as I have only watched first season and 'Sarek' and 'Unification' so far.

Geh, enough blathering from me. My A/N will be bigger than the letter, once again. Sorry folks.

* * *

Amanda,

I would apologise for that last letter, and I do wish that I had better kept myself in some form of control, but I needed to release that somehow and words seemed the best way to do so. It helped a little. I am no longer as angry as I was, though I am still angry, but I know I will not be taking that out on Spock again once I reach him. I am afraid if I did, it would send him over the edge and he would give up on life.

I am on my way to meet the ship now. I just needed to let you know that I do not hate you. I love you.

I never know what to expect in my own state of being, let alone anyone else's of late. I go from one extreme to another almost instantly. And for that I will apologise. If I end up saying I hate you again, it is because I need some way to express these emotions and doing so in any other way is...not as acceptable to me.

Mind you, I really do not like saying that to you, at all.

I cannot explain myself too well right now. I am unsure if this makes sense. All I know is that I am sorry, but I know I may end up doing it again. I will try not to, I promise you that, but it is hard.

I love you.

Sarek.


	57. Letter Fifty Seven

Amanda,

I am on the _Enterprise_. Spock is currently in a session with the counsellor. As I am sharing a room with him, which only has the one bed, it is the only time I will have to write these letters.

I refuse to let him out of sight, unless someone else is with him. He is quite well protected by his friends during meals, but they are busy during their shifts and he spends most of his days alone. He needs someone there with him. He is unable to function without the help.

I have been on the ship for only 3 hours now, and he has been crying. He complained to me that he has been told and believes that his grief patterns are more human than Vulcan. All I want to do is get him to a mind healer, but there are none available on a human vessel.

He has not been sleeping again.

I will help him as much as I am able. It is all I can do for him now. I am no healer.

I love you.

Sarek.


	58. Letter Fifty Eight

Amanda,

Spock seems calmer now. He cries a lot, but less forcefully than when I first came aboard. He has still not slept, so I have been using the bed in his place. He needs to sleep, but is suffering from insomnia. He is going to collapse like I did if he does not rest soon.

He got a new monitor in his room for his comm. system today. I asked what happened to the old one. He ruined it in a fit of panic after watching the holovid I sent him.

I told him we should watch the vid together later. Once he has calmed more. I am unsure if I am ready for that, though I did promise, and at least I will not be alone now. Spock will be with me.

I miss you just thinking of that day and what will be on that vid. I ache inside.

Spock believes I look terrible. Well, he does too.

I love you.

Sarek.


	59. Letter Fifty Nine

This one covers both chapters 20 and 21 of FMEO. Yeah, it sounds odd, but isn't really. Sarek is keeping things from Spock.

I haven't written in days...I miss writing. Hope you enjoy this letter, in which Sarek sees Spock getting better, and himself getting worse.

* * *

Amanda,

We watched the holovid yesterday, Spock and I.

I believe it was cathartic for him. He stated that the tears he cried were cleansing, that it didn't hurt so much.

We have become highly emotional. Or, should I say highly expressive of our emotions. We have always been highly emotional. It is why we control so rigidly, when we are not devastated mentally.

For me it had the opposite effect though I have not, and will not, tell him that. He believes it helped me too. Instead I find myself longing for you. I want you to be there so I have someone to share intimate, secret moments with. To smile at. To go to for comfort.

This time it is not about sexual contact, it is about other things. A touch of the shoulder when you believed me needing comfort and I refused your hugs. Our fingers pressed together in a kiss, for only a few moments, stating to others that we belonged together. The hugs you insisted on giving me quite frequently after my father's death.

I too cried when watching the vid. Quietly and with Spock on my lap. It was instinct I suppose as to what made me hold him like that, for comfort. His, not mine. The last time we did that was when you went to a friends' wedding on Earth and had to leave Spock behind. He was so young then, and so afraid you would never return. I sat him in front of the screen and played footage of him and you playing a game while he was an infant. It calmed him greatly, knowing you would return for him.

This time you will not return.

It is as though any progress I have made in my grief has been taken away. Spock is getting better, while I am back to wandering corridors aimlessly while Spock is not with me.

I am having a bad day, Amanda, I apologise. I have spent most of it walking the ship trying to stay active otherwise I would not have left the warmth of his bed.

Spock has still not started his work again, though he is getting better reports from his doctors. He believes soon he will report back to duty. He is currently in sick bay. He believes he is unwell. I doubt it is serious.

He is acting like you when you got one of your colds. He is slightly more susceptible to them than we imagined if this is true.

I believe I hear someone coming to the door. I better stop before Spock discovers that I am writing these letters. I am not ready for him to know how much I rely on these letters to get by some days. Most of my time here, I have barely been out of his company and have not written. Perhaps that is why today has been a bad day?

I love you. I miss you. I grieve heavily for you still.

Sometimes I still wish for an answer, just to see your writing, or, better yet, hear your voice.

Sarek.


	60. Letter Sixty

Short letter is short.

* * *

Amanda,

Finally, Spock sleeps.

He is ill and his body requires rest, and is taking it. He is sleeping deeply and calmly, despite the fever he now has.

I am glad.

I...have nothing else to say this day. I apologise for that. He is currently taking the bed and I am no good without sleep since my heart operation. I am sure you have realised this already.

Why do I keep writing these letters as though you will read them?

I love you.

Sarek.


	61. Letter Sixty One

Hee, Sarek finds out about Nyota. He is mixed in his reaction to finding out his son is in an intimate relationship.

* * *

Amanda,

I am slightly angrier than I thought I would be with Spock right now given the situation.

I have been taking my meditation in one of the less used observation decks. Since I have been told I am free to come and go as I like, and seeing as how it has been no one other than him or me in his rooms, except for the odd occasional visit of the Captain or doctor, I did not even think of calling out.

I walked in on Spock sharing an intimate moment with Lieutenant Uhura.

I am glad he has found someone to be there for him when his Time comes upon him. But why did he not tell me he had a mate picked out? Did he think I would object to her? I do not object. I find her a good match for our son. I believe I said in an earlier letter that you would have liked her and that was before I knew of this aspect of their relationship. I still believe this.

I will sleep somewhere else tonight. I will go talk to Spock later, but right now I would like to give him a chance to be alone with his mate.

I do not think they have started a bond yet. I hope one day they will be bondmates.

I do not understand why this makes me angry. Surprised, yes, maybe even slightly sad, but angry?

Emotions are complicated. I need to go and meditate again.

I love you.

Sarek.


	62. Letter Sixty Two

Amanda,

I have been taken back to my new planet, and beamed down to my new home.

I have said my goodbyes to Spock and his friends. I have learnt that the first name of Spock's mate is Nyota. Spock is wary about talking about her, so I have learnt very little about her. I hope to get to know her in the future. She may soon be my daughter through marriage. I look forward to the event, if it happens.

It is possible I am mistaken, that it may not last. I hope I am right though.

The farm is beginning to flourish. The crops are growing tall, and soon it will be time to harvest. Vanek has been spending his time since I have been away, in the spare bedroom. I think he prefers it here than at the domicile he is staying at with the other older juvenile males.

I do not mind this. Time away from there and in the quiet will give him time to grieve on his own without interference. I believe he needs it. I have offered him the room for another week and he has accepted.

I am not alone in the house.

I have looked in on my garden too, the one with your flowers. I have planted a rose bush. It is not doing as well as I had hoped, but it is due to Vanek's lack of knowledge since I have been gone, in the caring of such Earth plants. It is still alive though and can be salvaged. I do not think you would be happy seeing the plant wilt and die after only two months of having been planted. You did love your gardening.

Seeing and feeling through our bond your enthusiasm for gardening helped strengthen my own enjoyment in the activity. It is good to have something you gave me still here, even if it is a learned skill. It is something to remember you by, a visual reminder.

Spock has the piano, I have this.

I smell cooking food. I wonder if it is my new house guest, or T'Ilan come as she normally does for the evening meal. Either way, I am hungry and shall enjoy a meal with Vulcan company.

I love you.

Sarek.


	63. Letter Sixty Three

Sarek is left in a bit of a state in this one. I once said to someone (I think it was NyotaRules) that the relationship between these two would start with sex, turn to attraction and then lead to love. I wasn't joking about that. I had decided a long time ago that this is how the relationship would work, mainly because I see it as a normal progression of a Vulcan Marriage. A receptive partner is needed more than attraction or love. The emotional attachment would come later. If one emerged at all. It is, after all, not needed, but accepted and wanted between spouses.

I also believe that it works both ways, because I cannot believe that it is only males who suffer through a mating drive. They may be the more aggressive gender, but if one goes through it I believe, whether or not it is the same thing as Pon Farr, a female would have a similar drive. I have this whole theory in my head that when bonded as children, it makes sure that when one enters their first Time, the other follows, and their cycles fall together, which makes things easier. Since neither of these two right now are bonded, and their cycles are already set, they don't sinc.

* * *

Amanda,

Biology, it will be the death of me, I swear it.

I am not attracted in a sexual way to T'Ilan. I have never thought of her as anything other than a friend and someone to dine with during the evenings so as not to be alone. That has been it in our relationship.

It is what I want, what I need right now. I do not want to break the vows I made to you, I do not intend to ever love another. I have said this before, I know...

Things changed today.

I am still not attracted to her in the way I was attracted to you. No. She is at the height of her cycle, at her height of sexuality. She is at that time where she would be more likely become pregnant with a male in Pon Farr. She is unbonded and ready. I can smell it. It is exciting me. I want to mate her.

The other thing on my mind is how different our cycles are. If I bonded with her we would have a hard time bearing children, as my sexual height is still several years away. It is irritating, as now I have an in season female in my house, I have no bondmate and I find myself wanting her to mate with me. Right now I would say yes for no other reason than it would have a slight chance of getting her pregnant, as I am not at my most fertile right now. That and I know her enough to be comfortable with her.

I am sure she knows it. She keeps looking at me, not at Vanek, though he has yet to reach sexual maturity and is therefore not a threat. I am glad Spock is not at home, as he would be likely to be receptive too. He tends to find women sexually attractive, though he is not yet mature enough to do much about it. He's going to get in trouble with his Nyota if he does not be careful.

She is not eating. She is irritable understandably. She has not yet asked. Perhaps she has someone else in mind. It will be her choice. If she chooses me, I will not have to worry about finding a bondmate when my own Time comes. In a way, it would be a relief.

I feel that it is a betrayal to you, but my body is acting on instinct. As my bondmate, you made it impossible for me to notice anyone else but you. You bore me our son. There was mutual attraction and love before mating took place.

I have never felt this way before, such a primal urge to take a mate outside my own Time.

This is beyond simple arousal, no matter how much that has been a problem to me since the destruction of Vulcan. This is more than a want for more children and to do my part in expanding the population.

I cannot think clearly. That may be obvious. I am sure I have repeated myself at least once in this letter.

Would you approve of this? Would you be glad that I am capable of following instinct and procuring myself a mate? We married, after all, two years before I entered my second Pon Farr. Your human cycle was at its peak once every month, instead of once every seven years. You drove me wild so often, but never to this level. I believe this to be a direct pheromone response. Our difference in species made the reaction less than it should be.

And you were always receptive to me. You were easy to arouse. Vulcans are very different.

I need to stop thinking of sex. But I am beyond aroused. What did you do to me that makes me crave this so much? Human sexuality was so different and intriguing. Now it has made me like this...

Regardless, I loved you. I still do, Amanda. I love you, no one else.

Forgive me?

Sarek.


	64. Letter Sixty Four

This may seem really, really odd, but I am quite fond of this rather short letter. Sarek's exhausted, bless him :P He's hurting and wanting Amanda.

* * *

Amanda,

I am now bonded.

I am confused.

I am tired.

It is odd to have someone else now within me that is not you.

I hurt badly over this.

And, though we have talked about grief on occasion, I was not expecting T'Ilan to be hurting either. She is, just as much as I am.

She has been crying after mating. I understand why perfectly.

We have agreed that when this is over for her, we will not mate again until my Time. It is a progressive plan and subject to change. We have both been craving the touch of a mate and it will help ease that.

T'Ilan is stirring from sleep and calling for me. I have to go.

I love you.

Sarek.


	65. Letter Sixty Five

These two could really use some comforting words and some advice...hmm. *ponders*

* * *

Amanda,

The mating crisis is over now and another crisis has taken its place.

I am a bad husband. To you and to T'Ilan as her new bondmate.

I want you so much that I have begun calling out your name when I wake in the morning and feel another in bed with me. I expect it to still be you, even though the bond I now have is different to the one I shared with you. I cannot stop it, as your name is what I know in this situation.

I am beginning to have nightmares again. You are always disappointed and angry with me in them. I remember cold silences and colder looks when you were truly angry with me. Your voice as it was raised as you shouted my faults in a human perspective before you went silent. The sting of your hand upon my cheek from the one time you got so angry at me you physically hurt me. Your absence from the house for two weeks after that argument which hurt worse than anything your hands could ever cause upon my body.

I am remembering every bad day we had and it is almost as though the good never happened. Why is this happening? I don't want to remember the bad, not now. I need something positive, something good.

What I need is to find some equilibrium between my old life with you and the new, but I am not doing so. I expect you to be there and you are not. Instead someone else is, and I am being unfaithful to you.

I love you, and I feel as though that is a betrayal of my new bondmate. Should I not feel this way towards her?

I need your approval, but there is no way to gain it. And if you were still here, neither me, nor T'Ilan would be in this situation.

I am so completely confused...

Sarek.


	66. Letter Sixty Six

Amanda,

In my confusion I have been forgetting to write about Spock.

You would be glad to know he has been put back on active duty and is doing much better now. I believe once more he will make it through his grief and survive this pain.

That is the good news.

There is as always bad news.

I may lose my position as Ambassador to Earth. I do not know what I will do if I lose that position, as I have held it most of my life.

It is my own lack of control which has gotten me in this mess. The Terran Ambassador found out that I have rebonded and suggested that I was being typically Vulcan and didn't love you for having remarried so soon afterwards to another.

I hit him so hard I could have killed him with the force of the blow. He will recover, but he is not too fond of going anywhere near me any longer. It will suit me quite well to never see him again. He has resigned his position and someone else will take over now. I am still waiting on the verdict for my position.

Until then, I have been told to see a mind healer. I am not coping well.

Now I am ashamed. No one else seems to be having the problems I am having, with the exception of Spock. Perhaps it was your influence, I don't know. All I know is that no one tells me that I never felt a thing for you, especially some Terran who doesn't seem to know Vulcans as well as he thinks he does.

I love you. I long to hear you wishing me luck in this.

Sarek.


	67. Letter Sixty Seven

Wow. Alright, this letter took me ages to write. It is quite intense. He writes about thoughts and feelings he has that he has been afraid of even writing down in this one. He's terrified, and has reasons to be. But, being Vulcan, he can't allow himself the release of that without looking weak to eveyone else (not only Vulcans but other species too, who see Vulcans a specific way. Personally, I don't think Shras would mind in the least.) I tried originally to end this normally, with an 'I love you' and his name...but it just didn't work. This is the whole letter. He doesn't finish it. He couldn't finish it. Even if it didn't end the way it does, he still wouldn't have finished it.

Now go read to see what all the fuss is about.

* * *

Amanda,

I have been told it may help to stop writing these letters.

I lost control of my temper at the suggestion, which reinforced the idea to the healers.

I don't want to stop writing these letters. I don't see how it is hurting me in any way. If anything, they help me have better control than if I did stop. I told them this and they seem to be of the opinion that I am too dependent upon this activity of mine.

It is none of their concern what I do or do not write, or whom I write it to.

I don't think they realise how much pressure I am under. Before I was once again stopped in doing my Ambassadorial duties that is. With that, council duties, working on the farm, worrying myself sick over Spock, missing you and my new bond, I barely have any time at all to myself. I barely have time to write these letters.

These letters are the one time I can stop and be honest. These letters are a place I can securely and without shame express myself. I can put my emotions down, and it is some form of release for me. I have tried being the person I was before the battle that left us homeless and grieving, but it doesn't work for me. I need to have some place I can be emotional without it affecting me too badly, and this is it. It is not openly showing my emotions, though I do seem to be losing my temper quite a lot recently. I am finding my anger hard to control.

I am not allowed to work for the next two weeks, and they are taking away this PADD so I cannot add to it during this time. I will then be assessed to see if there has been an improvement in my condition or not. This is to be my last letter for this period of time.

I have told them that my condition was caused by something that did not happen to them. Not all of us saw the planet devour itself. Fewer still saw their bondmate killed right in front of them before that took place.

You died, Amanda and I saw it. I saw you fall. I felt the bond snap just before arriving on the _Enterprise_. I then witnessed my planet dissolve into nothing. You should have been saved too, but that poor boy Chekov was a second too slow. All of us lost at least one person in the destruction of our world, but they did not watch it happen. And they especially were not saved a second later, knowing that they had lost someone so important to them right in front of their eyes.

It happened to me, Amanda, with you. It is not something easily forgotten or removed. The memory haunts me. I refused to let them fix the memory so it is in the back of my mind, an afterthought, rather than what drives my existence now. I will learn to live with the trauma of it, or die trying.

The one thing I want to do more than anything right now is the same as what I have wanted to do since seeing you fall. And I cannot give in to the need to do so without everyone thinking I have gone insane.

I need to scream. Sometimes the need to do so is so strong in me, that I am amazed that I have not done so accidentally. I believe it is this which keeps getting me to lose control of my anger. Yelling helps somewhat, but is not the right emotion to express.

I need to vent this fear, the horror of what happened. But how am I meant to do that in a society that frowns on such blatant loss of control? People are already thinking I am losing control, and to keep myself fit for social life among my own people, I need to be able to not give in to this. I am beginning to feel unwanted by my own species.

I am needed here, and most people seem to know it. I am on leave now, for my mental health, but they will not fire me from my duties as Ambassador, as I know humans better than any other Vulcan.

They will feel no other option is available but to fire me if I give in to this. My job is all I have here, I cannot lose it. I will not be able to live without it. It is my place, my duty. If I lose my job completely I will be lost.

I cannot lose these letters too. Not now.

I'm scared, Amanda. I'm afraid if I lose this PADD and my letters with it, and they enforce the rule to not write, that I will not be able to keep this in any longer. I am scared to the point of terrified that not keeping it in will lose me my job.

I honestly don't think Spock would be enough to keep me alive if I lose everything else. I have no close friends like Spock does to help me through this. T'Ilan and I are avoiding each other as we are uncomfortable with our new living arrangements still, only spending time after sunset together.

I have no one else.

I don't know what to do any longer.

I am suddenly finding it hard to breathe...


	68. Letter Sixty Eight

I am going for several different thoughts at once in this letter, all of which come out overly harsh and horrific. One big on being that, regardless of how much they think they are being helpful and staying with their Vulcan principles, the new planet is full of grieving, traumatised people who will do anything to try and 'keep the peace'. Another is that the new system of Vulcan is not working properly on their new planet, and they need to reinstate laws, and/or make new ones to try and stop crimes happening. Sarek has had thoughts before of how he doesn't like how things are being run, this will highly reinforce that, because this time it concerns him intimately.

On the other hand, while the healers threaten him in unimaginably horrible ways for a Vulcan here...they do honestly believe they are doing the right thing and trying to help. If they had Sarek's permission, it would be fine, and I am sure there would be a lot of Vulcans who would accept it. But they don't have his permission. They can't imagine a Vulcan willing to try and work through the trauma on their own in a non Vulcan way, but Sarek is trying his hardest to keep his mind intact, keep all his memories of Amanda together and to do that he needs alternate methods.

I believe this is a problem not only Sarek is having. And is a good clue as to why there is a growing list of Vulcan suicides. This is no longer a problem with Sarek's shielding which he did ask for help for. This is a deeply personal trauma he is trying to find his way through on his own, and once he realises he's not having much luck, and has exhausted all other possible alternatives, only then he will he try Vulcan methods.

And now my notes for this letter are much bigger than the letter itself. I will stop trying to explain my reasons for this atrocity and let you read now...

* * *

Amanda,

I refused to give these letters up.

I can't think properly right now, I'm too upset to do much of anything.

When I fought back when they attempted to take this PADD by force, they decided upon an attack plan they so conveniently called a treatment plan. They told me if I did not hand over these letters, they would nerve pinch me and do their best to erase you from my memory while unconscious. They believe you to be the problem with my having not been able to...move on properly. I refused their help with the memory of your death, and because of this they believe I am not in my right mind.

They would violate my mind, take you completely away from me, and leave me with nothing if I let them near me. I managed get out before they could enact their plan.

I cannot stay here right now. I need to go. I called your parents and I am going to go stay with them for two weeks. Hopefully without the healers trying to take you away from me, I will be able to sleep once again.

I am going alone. I need some time away from my own species. With a psi null family to stay with, this will help ease my mind. I hope. T'Ilan is being very understanding with this situation. I am thankful for this.

All I can hope for is that they leave me be when I get back home. Perhaps I will take up my new mate's suggestion and go to her father. At least I know he will not violate me if I show weakness.

I love you still.

Sarek.


	69. Letter Sixty Nine

Amanda,

I am at your parents' home. I admit to embarrassment, the moment I stepped into the house I had what I have been told is a bad panic attack. Even after that had passed I spent most of the day shaking.

Your father seems to think it is some form of shock. Your mother seems to think I am 'just scared'. What she means by that, I do not know. Is it just to be scared?

All I know is that I am relieved to be somewhere away from Vulcan eyes and ears. I cannot escape the illogical thought that the healers will somehow find me here, wait until I sleep or I am unconscious by their own hands and violate me.

I fear I am going to have nightmares. Not that it would be much of a change as of late. I did mention I was once again having nightmares to you.

I am tired, lying in our bed here (on your side. I always choose your side over mine now...) and wondering when I should be brave enough to turn off the light and try to sleep.

Your parents went to bed hours ago, and it is now the early morning hours and it is cold and I want you to be here to keep me warm.

I believe that I may find myself incapable of leaving to go back to the colony. Not if I am going to have anyone coming after my memories which I am not willing to lose, no matter how much it may hold back my mental state.

I am going to try and sleep now. I am being ridiculous, scaring myself into a sorry state of being.

I love you.

Sarek.


	70. Letter Seventy

Amanda,

Contrary to my original thoughts, I did sleep last night and without dreaming. More honestly, I slept most of the morning. Considering I have had very little solid sleep as of late and no meditation, I needed that and I am thankful that when your parents came in our room to ask if I wanted breakfast, they left me to my rest.

It shows that I am exhausted. That and I may have scared them yesterday with my less than normal entrance into their home.

I am much calmer today, though I am trying now to come up with the right words to tell your parents that I have rebonded so soon after your death.

Will they act the same way as the former Terran Ambassador? I imagine they would be furious with me, though they know of my Time and Vulcan mating drives because of it. There was no getting around that conversation.

They know I have years left...

Will they accept that I was trying to help a friend in need? Will they not let me stay any longer? I need time to recuperate, to rest and recover from what those healers planned to do to me. I do have other problems, yes, but they are grief and trauma related and of the same type every other Vulcan left alive is going through.

I can't help but wonder how many of my people are now losing their mates in their mind, because the memories were taken by force. The thought makes me shiver. Something needs to be done to stop that. It has always been an extreme crime to do so before now. Why do they believe it to be acceptable now?

It really has me shaken that my people can think this acceptable on any level.

I know that there would be some out there who would have their memories of certain events from this catastrophe to be removed, but that is with permission. I have no problem with that. I feel violated from them telling me they are willing to violate me.

I believe I will try meditation this night. Now I am away from them and calmer within myself, I may be able to succeed now.

Your parents are tired but well considering they recently lost their only child. I doubt I would be doing as well if I lost Spock and you survived. I believe I am being overly critical on the subject however.

I love you.

Sarek.


	71. Letter Seventy One

Amanda,

Again, no nightmares and good sleep. I also succeeded in my meditation last night. Hopefully this will happen for the full two week period I am here. It is now morning, after breakfast and I am writing this at the table with your mother staring at me. I believe she thought I would have stopped writing by now.

I am beginning to think I may need to make a stop at the Vulcan Embassy at some point during my stay on Earth. If anything, just to see reminders of you. I need firm reminders right now, to aide me in my current problem. That of the healers and what to do with them and to find out if they are doing to others what they tried with me...

It will not be an easy task, but it will put my mind at ease, and since they were going to take you away, having reminders of you may help.

Also, I believe that the mind healers at the Embassy are different to the ones on the colony world. They never even tried to look where they were not wanted when my shields were down last time I needed a healer. Which is the exact opposite of trying to invade my mind and take you completely out because you are a problem.

You were never a problem for me. Never. Even when we were fighting, you were never a problem. Annoying perhaps, but you were still my wife, and my wife could never be a problem to me.

Needless to say, it is them with the problem.

I need to talk to your parents about T'Ilan and I intend to do that today. The quicker I get that done, the quicker they can either turn me out of their home or forgive me. I am hoping for forgiveness.

Your mother is looking over my shoulder, reading. Now she is asking who T'Ilan is and she sounds angry at what the healers are doing.

I need to explain some things and go now.

I love you.

Sarek.


	72. Letter Seventy Two

Amanda,

Your parents are angry now. The worst thing about this situation is I have no idea if they are angry with me or the healers, as I explained both situations with them.

Quite possibly it is both. I have packed my belongings on the chance that they will not let me stay after breakfast tomorrow. I will go stay at the Embassy if this happens. At least then all my attention can be diverted towards trying to stop my people from devolving.

I find myself worried over this. I wonder if the rejection of me, if I am rejected, will extend to Spock. He is close to his grandparents, he was comfortable with them. I do not want him to suffer any more than he has to, and if they reject him, he will suffer for it.

I need to think on this, get it sorted out in my head, but I am finding myself unable to meditate tonight.

This is ridiculous. I will leave this letter and try again. If you were still here, none of this would be happening, and I wish it weren't.

I will go now.

I love you.

Sarek.


	73. Letter Seventy Three

Amanda,

I have spent most of this day explaining my situation to your parents, in detail, repeatedly.

I will never understand humans needing to be told the same thing over again so they understand it when it was just as clear and precise the first time. Nor do I understand why they have the desire to state the obvious.

I have come to the conclusion that the anger is more towards the healers as opposed to me. They are highly disappointed in me though. They knew I would have to remarry at some point in my coming years, they had just hoped it would be later, closer to my Time. I managed to lose count of how many times I told them that I had wanted that same thing.

This is both good and bad news. The bad is that they are not happy with me and it shows. I can feel their disappointment without the need to touch. My shields are down it seems, so I will be working on them this afternoon. I believe it will be easier to be around them tomorrow.

The good is they are willing to still talk to me, to help me with my problems. Neither Spock nor I are unwelcome in their home. We have a place to go while on Earth that is not the Embassy. This is relieving news to me. I had, as evidenced by my last letter, been worrying over this.

I am allowing them two days to let the news I gave them make sense to their minds, before I will try and solve my problem with the healers on the colony. They are willing to help. I will need all the help, form wherever I can get it, to succeed in this.

I love you.

Sarek.


	74. Letter Seventy Four

Poor tired Sarek. Well, he's at least still in contact with Spock, though it's been a while since his last call. I am not too happy with this letter, but Spock needed to hear form his father before the whole Embassy thing, in case things go very wrong. He's afraid to let Spock know he has a new mate though, silly Vulcan.

* * *

Amanda,

I am unable to tell Spock about T'Ilan. I tried earlier today when I called him to see how he was coping.

Spock is well. He is content to be with his friends and Nyota. He is experimenting with McCoy in the labs. He did not tell me what they were experimenting with, but it is none of my business if he does not want to tell me.

He has told Nyota about the Pon Farr. She is still with him. This is good news.

Tomorrow I will go to the Embassy. I am still unsure if I should take your parents with me as help. They would be useful though.

I apologise if this is short. I am tired. I should not be tired, but I am. And now I am repeating myself.

This is a stressful time for me. I hope this works out and I can relax after I have told the Embassy here on Earth what was done to me, or attempted to be done to me.

I am not making much sense. I will leave this letter now, to get some sleep.

I love you.

Sarek.


	75. Letter Seventy Five

I am doing the old fashioned art of Making Things Up with Vulcan names as I go along. In other words, meet T'Prel, she is a Healer from the Embassy.

* * *

Amanda,

Remind me again, my wife, why I thought it a good idea to see Healers? I seem to have a phobia of them.

The Healer I saw here on Earth last time was a male. They decided this time to send a female. Why this would make any difference I do not know. T'Prel was not anything like the Healers from the colony.

For one, she did nothing I did not consent to. For another, we mainly just spoke about the goings on at the colony. How my relationship with T'Ilan was going. Why I didn't go see the healers there.

I have never seen a female not in season so angry before. She seemed honestly surprised at what they tried to do to me. She at least understands now the reason I am reluctant to have her touch me. I refused to let her anywhere within touching distance of me.

I was wronged, it is now a fact that what they tried to do is definitely not supposed to happen, even now. They had no right, but tried anyway. My rights were taken away from me by them. I feel used and wary.

Do they even realise they caused more damage to my mind, without even touching me? Now I know it is not a new practice, it is going to be slightly easier to find out if others are getting the same treatment.

I need the Healers here on Earth to help me. T'Prel has agreed to ask them why they tried to do it. I hope she does not get into any trouble by doing so. But I need to know. I cannot go back without knowing if it will happen to me again. I do not feel safe in my own home.

This is very upsetting. I need this resolved to go back to my life.

I will inform the Embassy proper tomorrow. I need to go and lie down. I am getting a headache from all of this stress.

Hopefully I will have good news tomorrow regarding the other Vulcans on the colony, and not the bad news I am dreading will appear.

I love you.

Sarek.


	76. Letter Seventy Six

...You know, I am so tempted after I finish this little letter series of mine, to write this story in prose. It would flesh it out more and things that are completely missed but are there in my head can be added. It would be a hell of a long story though, lol. And Sarek would be shown as much more...Vulcan. Also, a lot more OC Vulcans.

* * *

Amanda,

The healers on the colony believed they were doing right by me.

When I heard this, I once again lost control of my anger and yelled at T'Prel over what was considered right now that Vulcan is no more.

I need to stop doing that. The only good thing to have come from this is knowing not all Healers are as bad as they are.

T'Prel allowed me to vent my anger, something no one else has allowed me. I am sure she would have stopped me if I had become violent, but I did not. I am a lot calmer for having let some of my anger go and not had anything untoward happen because of it. I was out of breath afterwards and it took me minutes to calm down.

She wants to see my memories, but the thought right now of sharing them sickens me. At least she is taking no as an answer. She insists on me talking about it if I do not show her. I am not comfortable with that either.

She will see my emotional state further if she does, and I fear that she will chastise me if I lose control again.

Why did I accept the position of Ambassador, Amanda? Life would have been easier for us if I had refused. And now they refuse someone else the position because I know humans better than any other Vulcan.

This is too stressful for me right now. It is good I am getting this time off, or else I would break worse than I already am.

I wish you were here right now just to hold me. You always held me when things got difficult. I miss that very much.

I love you.

Sarek.


	77. Letter Seventy Seven

I am sorry this has taken so long. I have been on and off sick since the last letter I wrote, which means I have fallen behind in my Big Bang fic writing time, since I tend to not write when I am sick. I am better now, hopefully for a while. So, here's the next letter. Hope you enjoy.

* * *

Amanda,

Things are moving along here a little too fast for me to keep up with right now.

Your mother and father have decided to come and see the farm and go back to the colony with me, which is odd to say the least. Neither of them liked the heat on Vulcan, it is unlikely they will fare any better on the new planet. Yet again, as they have entered old age, perhaps they will fare better with the heat?

They will not stay long.

Personally I think they are doing it only to meet T'Ilan. Perhaps her parents should be invited over and we unite the two families together? It would make sense to a Vulcan, though Humans tend to get a bit...wary over such matters.

I will have to ask them.

The Healers here and the healers there are coming to an agreement and are in the process of making a set of rules over what is allowed and what is a crime. That this is needed saddens me. They are doing this in their own way and leaving me out of it. I have no idea what is going on anymore, though I do know that it should at least be a change for the better on the colony.

Now if only things within the rest of the colony could be changed so readily.

I am not well. While I can eat and I am not nauseous or physically sick in any way, this secrecy is not helping my mind. I have been here a week and while it helped to begin with, this news is making things worse.

Perhaps, if she will follow what I want, I will allow T'Prel to help me tomorrow. I will show her my current thoughts, my emotional state and hope she will have some advice that does not need to go deeper into my memories of what happened. I am not ready to share that. I don't know if I ever will be. But I am in need of advice on how to handle this state I am in.

I love you.

Sarek.


	78. Letter Seventy Eight

Ah, Sarek. He's so confused and irritated right now. I really like this letter. I don't know how others will feel about it though, but I'm quite happy with it. Small sentences are small.

* * *

Amanda,

The advice I have been given? To stop fighting my emotions.

I'm too...I don't even know what this is I am feeling right now. I want it to stop. All of it. Right now.

This is not helpful advice. This is bad advice. Given that it was a fellow Vulcan giving me this advice makes it even worse. A human I could understand, any other species I could understand, but my own?

I am torn between doing as the Healer suggests and following set patterns of behaviour that I have been living almost my entire life.

Your parents are now trying to get me to follow the advice. It seems to be unanimous against me. There is no one I can confide in now that does not believe this is bad except for me.

I am dangerously close to losing control, and everyone is pushing me towards doing just that.

I just told your father that I will not be held accountable for any damage I may do to his property if he keeps pushing me.

He just told me that if I am that close to hitting something, I should go outside and calm myself down.

This is advice I will follow.

I love you, regardless of your parents being overprotective of my emotional state.

Sarek.


	79. Letter Seventy Nine

I will always remeber this letter as the one where Sarek completely loses it. I'll just shut up and let you guys read. You'll either like it or hate it. Or, like me, be both ways about it.

* * *

Amanda,

I am writing this letter in a bath.

I never thought I would write that, but there it is. I am writing this letter in a bath.

Your parents have become extremely protective of me. And, considering the day I had yesterday, it is understandable.

I could not, no matter how hard I tried, calm myself down. In fact, the more I tried, the angrier I got, as I continually failed. I hit a tree.

I did so with my right hand, which is aching now though I did not break anything. The left I used to anchor myself, by holding the trunk. It was very solid, thankfully, and I did not do much damage to it, regardless of the beating I unleashed upon it. I have lost strength in my grief.

This was not like hitting Spock when I was on the _Enterprise _the first time. This was...deeper. I am finding it hard to explain in words. At that time, your death was still so recent, only days had passed, not months. I needed someone to blame, and he had been close to you at the time.

I was still angry afterwards. I am no longer angry. I have forgotten what it feels like to not be angry.

I had privacy, I had something to hit, and I had no control. T'Prel will be pleased, I did as she wanted. I stopped fighting. My body and mind decided for me, so I suppose I truly did need to do that.

Once the anger had passed, I was overwhelmed with the emotional upheaval of watching my planet crumble and die in front of me. Of watching you fall to your death along with it. I gave in to it. Ridding myself of the anger felt good. All I could possibly feel during this was horror. There are other words for this, but I do not know them, none seem strong enough.

I did not think it would stop. I am sure I could have died from it if I had wanted to. Regardless of what people may think, I am not suicidal. It is still with me, and always will be I believe, that horror, but it is manageable now. Less intense.

I let that out too. I started screaming. Another thing I never thought would stop. Considering I am laying in a bath writing this, it eventually did.

My throat still hurts.

Your parents must have heard me, because they were holding me when I became aware of what was happening around me. I was lying on the ground clinging to the tree. I now understand the exhaustion you went through when you got extremely upset over something. I also understand why you called it being emotionally drained.

I needed their help getting inside. All I wanted to do was sleep, but I am too heavy for them unconscious. They put me to bed. I think your mother may have kissed me goodnight. I was basically asleep by that time, so I am unsure if that was real or not.

I cannot remember the last time I have been this calm. This...emotionally light.

I slept through breakfast. I had soup for lunch. We are having lasagne for dinner. Your mother decided a bath might be good for my muscles. Submerging myself in water is not what I find relaxing, but I decided to try anyway.

The water is cooling. I believe I may be out of the water soon as it is getting uncomfortable.

I can hear T'Ilan speaking. She must be calling to see how I am. I was...more than a little emotional yesterday.

This shall be interesting.

I love you.

Sarek.


	80. Letter Eighty

Wow, it has been a long time since the last letter, and I apologise for that. I am on deadline for two other things I am writing (my Good Omens annual Christmas fic, and my Journey Story series of stories, which now has an artist, yay.) Along with my NaNo I have been writing just for fun (a crappy, but rather huge, Vorik fic for Voyager, that one is) these letters kind of fell to the side for a while. I'm back. As you can see by times, I have not posted anything else since my last letter, so I haven't just been ignoring this fic, but all others but those three I needed to work on.

I hope this letter is alright. I read over the last one to try and get back into the right writing style, and while I do like it, it may be written in a slightly different style than normal.

* * *

Amanda,

Yesterday went better than expected. I should have written after the call T'Ilan made, but I did not want much of anything other than some more sleep. I suppose the water did relax me more than I thought it would.

T'Ilan was overly worried that I had lost my will to live. I told her I had not. Then I had to reassure your parents that my words were truth and I was not going to die that easily. They want me to extend my leave for another week, though I still have another week here.

I am unsure how well your mother and father reacted at seeing T'Ilan. It was an awkward time for all of us, I believe. It possibly would have helped if I was wearing more than a towel wrapped around my waist when I entered their room after hearing the voice of my new wife speaking to your parents.

These letters are getting confusing for me to write. I will always think of you as my wife, but now there is another in that position. It is still far too early for me to think of T'Ilan as my wife. But she is. Thinking too hard on this subject gives me headaches. It is not pleasant.

Perhaps one day things will change and I will be more comfortable with this situation, but now, it is very confusing.

Your parents seemed friendly enough, but I do know that friendliness in humans can be false and hide negative emotions behind the way they look. You taught me that quite well, how easily humans can lie with their expressiveness, to show one thing while feeling another.

It was a helpful skill to have learnt to know that. Especially working so close to so many humans and other species that tend to do the same thing.

It is harder now to understand other species just by looking at them. Either you helped me understand with your presence, or that skill dulled in me with my losses. Either answer is just as likely as the other.

I do know your parents will at least try to understand this, even if it does not make them happy. I believe they do not want to lose me or Spock. They are close to our son, their grandson, and I would never take him away from them. Family is too important for that.

It may be possible to invite T'Ilan here some time. Not now, it is still far too early for all of us for that, but at one stage. My new wife will need to understand that your family is my family now. They are all I have left.

I am beginning to realise that, compared to a lot of the Vulcans that survived the disaster that Nero caused, I am lucky in that I have a place with family still alive.

I need to go now, dinner is ready and I am being summoned to the table.

I love you.

Sarek.


	81. Letter Eighty One

Amanda,

I want to go back to the farm. I am not looking forward to seeing the new healing practices that should be starting now. I want to sleep in my own bed, but I am constantly reminded that back on the farm I will be sharing it with someone else. I want to go back to my diplomatic duties on the colony world, but have been told that I will only when given a statement of mental fitness from the healers.

Thankfully, T'Prel is here with me now. I had to tell her of these letters after your mother told her of them. Unlike the healers on the colony, she has decided these are probably doing me some form of good.

I am now unsure of what is right or wrong when it comes to writing these letters. I do know that I am uncomfortable with sharing them with others, not writing them makes me frustrated, they help settle my thoughts and emotions.

While I have gone back to my meditation, these letters help with that too. My sleeping pattern is going back to normal as well. This short break from my duties has done me good. I am much more myself now than I have been since Vulcan's destruction.

But if writing these letters has anything to do with it, I do not know.

I miss you. I want you here. The letters help ease some of the ache of your absence even though I know you will never read them. You not being here is becoming easier to handle now that almost a year has passed since your death.

I am worried about Spock. He contacted me yesterday with the news that he would be here on Earth for the anniversary of that event. The entire surviving crew of the Enterprise that day is to be there. I do not think he is coping well with the news.

I will be back on the colony. I have asked your parents to look after Spock, to be there for him. It is a time for family, but since he cannot be on the colony, we will be separated for the day. I will spend it with T'Ilan's family.

I find it odd that I do not think of her family as mine, now that we are bonded. Her family is hers. My family is dead on the Vulcan side but still living on the human side. T'Ilan's family for the most part is intact.

I am thinking too much on this.

I will stop writing now. I am beginning to get uncomfortable with another around while I write. I know a Vulcan will not look over my shoulder and read this, but considering I know others to do that, I usually write these letters in private.

I wonder why T'Prel wanted me to write one now in her company. I will ask and write the answer later.

I love you.

Sarek.


	82. Letter Eighty Two

Amanda,

I will be going back to the farm tomorrow. I have spent this past week resting, with the occasional journey to the Embassy to check on how things are going and to make sure I have not been replaced.

My job is still there waiting for me, to my relief. I have not been replaced while away.

I am much better mentally. I am sure the healers will see this when I do return, and now I have written and spoken words to say that my letters are to stay with me.

It embarrassed me to do so, but it was for my mental health. I allowed T'Prel to read these. She asked to see my last letter and I found I could not refuse the request. She knows this is a human coping mechanism, but she has decided that, seeing as you were human and my work is close to humans, that it is appropriate, and is helping me to be more stable than I would have otherwise been without them.

Until recently, I have not been stable. I had periods where I thought I was but they would slip into nothingness within days. I was in a definite slide away from stable by the time I came here for my health. I have had a good week, or that period of deep mourning is over. I am still calm and centred and not angry.

I do not know if this period will last, or if it will fade into nothingness once again, but for the time being, it is good to be more myself again. I am gaining my strength back. I feel healthier now.

Two weeks that were mainly stress free has done me some much needed good.

That is over now though, and I am to go back to the colony and see how I fare in the world we are building for our own.

Illogical though it is I want to hear you wishing me luck. You always did in situations like this.

I love you.

Sarek.


	83. Letter Eighty Three

Amanda,

It has been a busy week for me and I have had very little spare time to write these letters.

The children and juvenile members left of our society are beginning to express anger and fear for the coming anniversary. Given that we have not yet made a proper calendar set for this world, as we are busy trying to get it running properly first, we are using the Terran calendar. I understand the emotional pull towards the day, but am not feeling it like they are. Like Spock must be.

Vanek is going to stay with us again, until the day has passed. He is being disruptive and not working, though I hear tell from T'Ilan he was doing fine work as normal while I have been away.

He has been checked to see if it is the emotional storm of this time or if he has reached sexual maturity and entered the first stages of Pon Farr. It is his emotions that are the problem. T'Ilan and I are trying to keep him calm, but understand his state of mind. I especially understand, considering on more than one occasion I have given in to my emotions and lashed out.

He is being inconsolable. Nothing we say or do makes a difference in his behaviour. He spends his days in the room given to him, locked away. Occasionally he hits the walls. They need to be replastered because of the holes.

I allow him this. The release of some of his anger may do him some good. It helped in me. He is at least eating since he began punching walls in the house. That is an improvement to what he was when he first arrived. And the walls could just as easily have been one of his roommates at the domicile he stays in when not here.

None of us are sleeping well. T'Ilan and I have begun holding each other closely through the nights for comfort. Sadness and loneliness are taking over the anger I once was in. Anger is easy to feel. More natural. While I was expecting the sadness, the loneliness is almost unbearable.

T'Ilan and I have both agreed that we are not ready for sexual relations again. Right at this moment in time my thoughts are directed too much to you and your loss, while hers go to her bondmate before me.

We do not speak, and it may help us both to do so. We used to, before our bonding took place. I worry sometimes that she will issue the challenge instead of continuing the bond, when my Time next comes upon me. I am not being a good spouse.

I am sure things will be somewhat normal again for us once the anniversary is over.

I love you.

Sarek.


	84. Letter Eighty Four

I apologise for the long gap once again in my posting. This time it wasn't out of laziness or not able to write on my part. My computer's harddrive crashed and I lost all that was on it, including next chapters to quite a few of my chaptered stories (this not being one of them, but these letters are so short this one didn't bother me losing so much as others and was much easier to just jump into a restart) and one shots I was in the middle of writing for this fandom, TOS and Doctor Who.

I am not pleased. On the other hand, I have now learnt my lesson about backing files up every night before turning my comp off.

Enjoy this chapter anyhow. I have to rewrite a lot of other things but plan on regular updates to this as I have been in non writing withdrawal for the past week at least.

Expect a one shot from me, focusing on Spock and his relationships with the main Bridge crew, called Heroes coming out soon. It is based just after they get back to Earth from the Narada battle.

* * *

Amanda,

It has been quiet for the most part today.

Tomorrow is the anniversary day. I have the odd feeling that the entire population of the planet we are currently on is holding its collective breath. Tomorrow is either going to be a complete disaster for us, or extremely quiet and introspective.

I expect that it will not be only the youngest of our population that loses control. I expect tears from Vanek. He is restless today, pacing in is room. I am unsure how I will react myself, but judging by my behaviour today, I will be one of the quiet ones. I plan to remember and quietly mourn Vulcan and her people.

As much as I hate even saying this, even in a letter to you, tomorrow is not so much about your death as the death of everyone else and the planet. For once, you are not first in my mind. It is a time for mourning Vulcan and my species. My culture.

I have not yet begun this, as I have been mourning your loss exclusively. Tomorrow it seems right to do so.

I am sure that you would not mind if you had lived. That my thoughts drift from you and to others that were important to me. In some ways it seems wrong to be doing so now that you are dead along with everything else. You were everything to me.

It feels right though, to put you aside for a day and begin mourning my other losses. I lost so much. My mother, other family members both close to me and distant, colleagues and friends, old classmates, new acquaintances.

And all my focus has been solely on you. My bondmate. The one I was closest to and loved so deeply.

I am beginning to think I am being overly selfish in my obsessive need to grieve you like I am.

I need to go meditate now. I have many thoughts I need to come to terms with over this topic before tomorrow.

I love you.

Sarek.


	85. Letter Eighty Five

I am at a loss for words at the present moment. I believe it would be best if I left explanations for another time.

I would write down what happened now but...

I am not in the right mood for this.


	86. Letter Eighty Six

How long did it take to write this chapter? It was kind of hard to write. Also, a warning. This one has suicide as a main topic. Sarek is trying to understand but...just can't. He may be a lot of things in this story, but suicidal is not one of them.

* * *

Amanda,

I apologise for the last letter. I should never have written that.

It had been a very full day, though barely anything was actually done. I wrote it the day after the anniversary, not on. I was far too busy on that day trying to keep the family unit I have here and my mind from falling into ruin.

Vanek was extremely upset, I was absent in mind a lot thinking of home. T'Ilan tried to understand, but couldn't fully do so. I believe I am now beginning to see just how different the three of us are.

Having T'Ilan's parents here helped. Her father was able to calm Vanek when he was getting too close to breaking completely, and her mother kept us company for the most part. I was not good company, preferring instead to stay quiet and think of my old home, on Vulcan.

Vanek had craved touch. I believe he spent the majority of the day being held by one of us. We as a species generally don't need touch to communicate comfort or support. We get that from the link with our families. And that is enough. But he has lost all family.

I believe he may have adopted us as surrogates. He is becoming a regular fixture to the house, and not just to work on the farm. Of late he has spent more time here living with us than at the domicile with the other boys his age.

As it is, it is not that day which was the bad one for our little family. No, it was the day after.

We all went to bed early. Vanek cried himself to sleep once he had the privacy of his room. I fell asleep easily and slept for most of the night. Just thinking of Vulcan and our home there, Amanda, had exhausted me beyond the point of being able to stay alert and awake for long.

As we had all gotten through the day intact and alive and none the worse for wear, though emotionally we were spent, we had forgotten about the rest of the survivors.

There were 50 suicides.

50.

Most were the elderly, who had decided that it was best to leave resources to those who had a better chance at survival. The others were young members, just outside sexual maturity. The stress of finding a new mate too much.

It was much too high a number. That it was expected that some would was shocking enough and it was expected.

I am having trouble understanding why they would do it. I know that it is painful and hard to handle. I know it is additional work, as it is difficult to get through a day staying sane and conscious of all around us. Our thoughts wander, our hearts are broken, our minds almost destroyed.

I was afraid that Vanek might have tried, but he didn't. It was illogical to think because he got through all would. I do understand why they may have waited the full year. For the young, it would be time enough to find and procure a mate. For the elderly, it would be enough time to assess the living situations and the supplies and resources being used and which was needed. Also, the grief was once again at its most devastating point.

It was still nothing but a waste of life. Of Vulcan life. A year is by far not a lot of time. We are still not reliant on ourselves, and need the resources of others to help us. The emotional and mental attachment to their intended bondmates who were killed could not be reinstated with another in such a time, and so a year was not enough time for either purpose.

So many lost, and for nothing.

I am having difficulty concentrating on anything else. It came as a great shock to me.

I am being summoned by the Council now. I have to go.

I love you.

Sarek.


	87. Letter Eighty Seven

Hello all!

I know, I disappeared again. I have no excuse. I have just gotten back into writing daily just this past month, and in that time had started a few new stories, leaving my old ones. I do not plan on abandoning this story. I just needed to move away from it for a while and get back into writing more solidly before starting on it again. I have already started writing the next letter.

And this is a much more upbeat update. I see good things mixed in with personal family problems coming up a lot more frequently than the ever raging angst. Things are beginning to work out now for Sarek. He's trying here to stick to positives and leave out bad information.

Well, hope you enjoy.

* * *

Amanda,

So many bad things have happened in the past year, that it is odd when good things happen.

Spock has been worried that he may be taken off duty on mental health leave, as the past few weeks have been hard on him. He passed his psych exam as well enough to do his duties as long as he kept going to the counsellor and continued to improve, which he was planning to do anyway.

Your parents kept him safe and stayed with him over the anniversary. I am glad of this. I was not sure Spock would accept them as he is currently still at Starfleet Academy with grieving humans also having the day marked as a tragedy for them. It would have been unbearable for a telepath, and Spock is more sensitive than most Vulcans.

He is still with Nyota. She has not abandoned him through this troubling time for him, and I hope soon she will become a member of our family. I believe she is what you would call a 'keeper'.

I have also come to the conclusion that things happen when they happen. I speak of T'Ilan when I say this. We have been talking about our relationship of late. We need to stop avoiding this and start handling the problems we face after bonding while both of us weren't ready for it.

We do not use names for you or her past spouse. We tend to use my wife and my husband. Since we do not call each other by those names, instead preferring to use the simpler word mate, it is working for us. It is helping us get back to the friendship if nothing else we had before we bonded, which in turn makes her easier to talk to.

We changed our agreement about sex. It had become irrelevant after last night. I don't know if it is our becoming more comfortable with each other, or the long days recently were becoming too stressful. It just happened.

There were definite differences. Not because you are different people, with different needs, but because we used to make love. This was just sex. I never really saw the difference between the two until last night. You know that already. I saw no difference with you, because to me, all times we were together were loving, with the exception of my Pon Farr and even then some part of me recognised that. I know you thought differently some of the time, depending on the time of month and your mood.

The release I found relaxed me to the point where I was able to concentrate better and more fully on my work today.

This time I will not ask forgiveness. I do not believe I did anything wrong. It felt good, it felt right in fact. It helped me in a way nothing else really has. I also know if either one of us did not want it, it never would have happened. Perhaps this new bond of mine will work out after all.

It is one less thing to worry over. The less there is to worry over, the better I am.

This would please you, I know it would. I am slowly getting better, Amanda.

I love you.

Sarek.


	88. Letter Eighty Eight

Amanda,

Oh, how I wish you were here right now.

Of course, this wish is selfish and based solely on my desire to not have to deal with the current situation.

Spock is having...problems with Nyota. She desires him, he desires her, but he is not yet ready for that. You would do much better in talking to them to help with this while I am stumbling through even a basic conversation.

I do not know how to help them. You would. You always knew how to help with things like this.

I never thought I would wish an early Pon Farr on our son, but right now it is the only solution I can come up with, and there is no forcing that. It happens the first time when it happens.

At least with that scenario, I would see Spock again soon. He would have to come here for his wedding to Nyota. It would be good to welcome a new daughter into the home and clan. And then there is always the chance of grandchildren.

You should be here for those events too, just to be a part of them.

Your presence will be sorely missed.

I love you.

Sarek.


End file.
